Even if someone invalidates your feelings by accident, there is an easy way to avert the crushing pain that comes from this—identify invalidating words and tell the person they are not validating your experience. If they have invalidated you accidentally, they will instantly reconsider and become more supportive.
Most people aren't mean or malicious– they're just wrapped up in their own world and problems. Usually, you can fix that problem by just being direct and assertive, such as “I feel like you're invalidating the way I feel. I don't need you to fix it or judge it. I just need you to listen to me right now.”
Invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse and can make the recipient feel like they're going crazy! What's scary, it can be one of the most subtle and unintentional abuses. The invalidated person will often leave a conversation feeling confused and full of self-doubt.
Gaslighting goes further than invalidating other people's feelings, which makes it more damaging than we think. Invalidating means telling someone they shouldn't feel a certain way. Gaslighting, on the other hand, makes someone believe that they do not actually feel that way.
Emotional invalidation often happens when you're expressing your feelings or talking about an experience. People often invalidate someone because they're unable to process that person's emotions. They might be preoccupied with their own problems or not know how to respond in the moment.
Inability to Compromise and Emotional Invalidation
The inability to compromise and emotional invalidation are red flags because they are a form of gaslighting. The abuser removes your power to counter them by insisting that you are always wrong, overreacting, or lying.
Invalidation is a form of relational trauma which, over time, harms the brain and nervous system, and also results in the disintegration of any healthy bonds of connection, and dissolution of trust in others. Healing requires the slow, ongoing work of diligent growth in character, self-awareness, and love.
Emotional invalidation is when someone's feelings are denied, rejected, or dismissed. Invalidation makes someone feel as though their emotional experience is wrong. They may feel that their emotions are unacceptable, insignificant, or inaccurate. This can lead to considerable confusion and self-doubt.
Other times, emotional invalidation is a form of manipulation and an attempt to make you question your feelings and experiences. A pattern of invalidation is a form of emotional abuse or gaslighting. it's a denial of you or your experience.
Gaslighting
One of the most common strategies that narcissists use to invalidate you is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where an individual tries to manipulate you into questioning your perception of reality and recollection of events and experiences.
They turn the story around to make it seem like you are at fault, deflecting attention and blame away from them to make you feel guilty. This type of emotional manipulation is called gaslighting. [clickToTweet tweet=”“Am I going crazy? Am I being too sensitive?
Briefly describe what happened that felt hurtful or disrespectful. Say, “When I was talking, you (said or did this).” Don't go into a long story about what occurred or try to soften the blow by saying you know they didn't mean to be offensive. One sentence that describes your experience of their behavior is enough.
Examples of Parents Dismissing Children's Emotions
“It's not a big deal” “You shouldn't feel that way.” “Don't be so sensitive.” “Just forget about it and move on”
If your feelings are dismissed by your partner and it's only your partner's feelings that seem to count, you are likely experiencing emotional invalidation. If this is the case with your relationship, you're not alone. There is help available from licensed therapists who have experience with emotional invalidation.
Invalidation signifies the underlining message that “you are wrong in what you are feeling”. Negative emotional expression, such as the emotions of sadness and anger, can also be attributed to socially undesirable personality traits, such as overreactivity, oversensitivity and paranoia (e.g. “Don't be so sensitive!
Inattentive invalidator: The most common one, when someone ignores you completely. Judgmental invalidation: This is a case in which people judge you all the time. Controlling invalidation: Where your actions are controlled by someone else. Belligerent invalidators: Who refuse to listen to your side of the story.
Leading to low -self-esteem and an inability to express one's self. When a person is told that their ideas, desires and thoughts are wrong, stupid or not worth considering, that person can feel invalidated, i.e. they can feel unheard and discounted.
The 5 cycles of emotional abuse, as listed in Sarakay Smullens' “Five Cycles of Emotional Abuse: Codification and Treatment of an Invisible Malignancy” are enmeshment, extreme overprotection and overindulgence, complete neglect, rage, and rejection/abandonment.