“Stonewalling is actually a learned defense mechanism that might stem from an unpleasant emotional or physical reaction someone has experienced in the past. Or your partner may simply not be able to express how they feel so instead they shut down,” Dr. Dannaram said.
In some cases, stonewalling is a trauma response. Those who experienced trauma, perhaps as a child or in previous relationship, will sometimes develop stonewalling as a coping mechanisism. It is a form of self preservation, like someone who passes out under extreme stress.
Stonewalling is often born of frustration and fear, and when it is used alone, it may occur as the result of a desire to decrease tension in an emotionally overwhelming situation, or in an attempt to self-soothe.
Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women. They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged. 85% of stonewallers studied in the Love Lab were men. When women stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.
In many cases, the person doing the stonewalling is not trying to be irritating or mean-spirited. Instead, they likely try to withdraw because the situation feels too emotionally overpowering. For some people, stonewalling can be a coping mechanism, a form of protection against feeling overwhelmed.
The “stonewaller” personality is the behavior of an individual who tends to shut down during an argument and refuses to communicate or even cooperate. This person is emotionally closed off, and at times it could be extremely hard to reach them.
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. This means that your spouse refuses to listen to you and your concerns. Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent narcissistic abuse techniques.
Stonewalling Effects on Victim
In fact, Gottman and Levenson (2000) described the presence of stonewalling as one of the surest signs that a relationship might soon end. He observed that stonewalling sends the clear message that the stonewaller is not interested in trying to save, or even work on, the relationship.
Stonewalling may also be a direct result of a disorder, such as borderline personality disorder or narcissism that causes someone to manipulate others by freezing them out. This behavior also becomes manipulative when, despite evidence, a person denies they are stonewalling someone.
It's often very frustrating for the person on the receiving end who might want to know what's wrong but be unable to get an answer – if it continues it can lead to them feeling resentful. Stonewalling can also be used as a form of control in a relationship.
Acknowledge that the only way a stonewaller's patterns will change is if they are willing to change them. If you're the only one willing to work on the relationship, reconsider it. Aggressive stonewallers sometimes act like victims to protect themselves.
This disconnect is what flips the victim into the role of the abuser in a way that they're repetitively reinforced (both positively & negatively) to never see or even acknowledge, and with a mountain of pain & cognitive dissonance to permanently hide it away.
Stonewalling is a defense mechanism that some people use to defend themselves from perceived threats during communication. It occurs when a person emotionally withdraws from a conversation, refusing to engage or to communicate.
A break is usually short while stonewalling can last hours, days, or even longer. Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior of the passive-aggressive kind. It involves entirely shutting the other person out and ignoring them, which causes them to feel like they are worthless and unimportant.
Emotional stonewalling can have serious consequences for relationships. It creates feelings of isolation, neglect, and frustration in the affected partner. It also makes it difficult to communicate effectively. This leads to further conflict or distance in the relationship.
The antidote to stonewalling is to learn to calm yourself down actively and then to re-engage in the conversation.
Self-isolation and loneliness. Getting stonewalled causes you to feel like you're being punished for God knows what. If only your partner could say something, you could get a chance to ask questions and get answers.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
People who stonewall may do so to avoid escalating a fight or to avoid discussing an uncomfortable topic. They also might be afraid of their partner's reaction. Intentional stonewalling: In extreme cases, stonewalling is used to manipulate a situation, maintain control in the relationship, or inflict punishment.
Stonewalling, which happens when someone stops communication altogether, is one of the most toxic forms of passive-aggressive behaviors, says Manly. It's also a leading predictor of divorce.
Conclusion. There's no doubt that stonewalling is a very toxic emotional abuse that you shouldn't do to your partner. Stonewalling partner leads to a lot of negative effects on your romantic relationship, which may lead to a divorce or breakup.