A person with an avoidant attachment style tends to be emotionally unavailable because they are fearful of opening up to others. This can result in mixed signals, because while the person may claim to want a relationship, they can be quite distant, and they may reject your attempts to connect with them.
They Always Send Mixed Signals
That's a typical behavior of someone with an avoidant attachment style. Avoidant partners are all about maintaining distance and the number one thing they do to achieve that is by sending mixed signals.
Intense attention is among the primary avoidant attachment signs. As time passes, they suddenly become uncomfortable with all the attention and romance. The feeling becomes cringy and suffocating for them. On top of that, the love avoidant individuals also tend to overthink relationship matters.
Avoidant partners maintain distance by sending mixed signals, sometimes drawing you in with bids for closeness, other times pushing you away. They may say one thing but do another, such as telling you they want to spend more time together but then cramming their schedule with other commitments.
People with insecure attachments styles (anxious, avoidant or fearful-avoidant) mostly end up in hot and cold relationship patterns. Due to the inability to establish prolonged intimate connection, relationships are often casual, however, some will endure this pattern in a long term relationship or marriage.
Love Avoidants recognize and are attracted to the Love Addict's strong fear of being left because Love Avoidants know that all they have to do to trigger their partner's fear is threaten to leave.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
If your fearful-avoidant partner doesn't reach out to you via texting or calling and you're sure they aren't stressed or triggered, they could be testing you. Fearful avoidants sometimes test their partners by withdrawing. They want to see if you'll try to win them back and fight for them.
If you feel that your avoidant partner isn't recognizing your love or reciprocating your efforts, it's time to leave. While you might feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or grief, this is all part of the healing process. Allow yourself to feel the painful feelings of your breakup.
Avoidant Attachment Communication Style & Behaviors
Someone with an avoidant attachment style may struggle to let their walls down in a romantic relationship. They might set boundaries to keep you at arm's length – preventing intimacy and emotional closeness – which can make relationships feel “surface level.”
Trouble showing or feeling their emotions. Discomfort with physical closeness and touch. Accusing their partner of being too clingy or overly attached. Refusing help or emotional support from others.
Avoidants tend to not want to give anything or anybody their time or their energy. If it doesn't serve them any purpose, they won't do it. So if they are with you and they are giving you their time, that is a really good indication that they care about you and they are putting you as a priority.
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
A dismissive-avoidant will shut down when approached with inconsistent communication. Over time a Dismissive-avoidant will stop trying to bridge the gap in emotional connection and slowly give up on the relationship.
This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do. They're just prone to pushing down their heartbreak and attempting to carry on with life as normal.
Avoidants may keep pushing people away but be shocked when they finally leave. As a child their caregiver may have been neglectful or overbearing and given rise to a feeling of emotional abandonment, but they were still physically present.
They're always looking for the red flags, and they will find them, so when you go no contact with the dismissive avoidant, don't expect them to reach out to you. They won't text you because likely when you were in a relationship with them, you were the one to initiate most of the contact.
"Avoidant people don't like intimacy or closeness," remarked Gillath. "So by keeping it as a game they can avoid the deep emotional outcomes." He added, "For women, [playing hard to get] makes sense because women are the ones who have more to lose in a relationship," he said.
Rejection, for those who are fearful-avoidant, can also feel terrifying. In fact, many times this fearful style can lead them to perceive threat and rejection all around them. They have often not developed the mechanisms to deal with loss earlier in their lives and therefore struggle to make sense of things.
One possibility for being attracted to an avoidantly attached person is that you are used to that type of person. Hypothetically, you could also identify with someone with an avoidant attachment, and are used to having others around you who are more independent and get your own needs met.
Avoidant individuals are more likely than any other type of person to withdraw from relationships. This is usually a defense mechanism they use to avoid being hurt. What you can do: Don't take it personally if they need some emotional space for a short time.
Less engagement means a dismissive avoidant ex needs more space, and more engagement means they need less space and you should therefore reach out more. As things pick up and there's flow of communication, dismissive avoidants start to feel the emotions that they'd numbed down, and reach out more.