Narcissists want children because they believe they will get more out of the relationship than they do. But parenting is the most selfless job you will ever have, Thomas said, and the unrealistic expectations can lead to narcissistic rage when a child grows up and becomes their own person.
Having a child allows them to fictionally repackage their life in which their buried core shame is replaced with candy-coated feel-good illusions. These manifest as a “good-parent narrative” that is built upon distorted and often false facts, and a story that recasts them into a victim-turned-hero.
“Narcissistic parents beget kids with a whole host of psychological problems,” Durvasula says. These problems include higher than average rates of depression and anxiety, lack of self-regulation, eating disorders, low self-esteem, an impaired sense of self, substance abuse and perfectionism.
A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.
So, why do narcissists marry? Narcissists get married because they want someone to inflate their ego and be a permanent source of narcissistic supply. A narcissist getting married is likely only if it serves their purpose, like image boosting, a readily available audience, or money.
Typically, the family's golden child is chosen as a proxy for a parent's own achievements and magnificence. Narcissistic parents frequently place this identity on one of their children who is considered “special.” Unfortunately, the golden child must live up to perhaps unattainable levels of accomplishment.
The tragic reality is that narcissists don't (and can't) love their children in the way that ordinary people do. They will tell you that they do (and most likely they will believe that they do), but their love can only be of the transactional, conditional type, even with their children.
The narcissist parent sees their child merely as a possession who can be used to further their own self-interests. They often have issues with boundaries, both physically and emotionally, and unload a lot of emotional baggage onto their kids.
Effects of Being Raised by Narcissists
Brunell says, “The child typically suffers from low psychological well-being, such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. They tend to try to please others and have poor ability to set boundaries or to say no to people's requests.
Cramer (2011) showed that children raised by authoritative and permissive parents (high responsiveness) exhibited more adaptive narcissistic tendencies, such as superiority and grandiosity, whereas children raised by authoritarian parents (low responsiveness) were less likely to exhibit such traits.
No one is exempt from narcissistic projection, not even their children. It often comes as a shock to people who have children with pathological narcissists how easily some of them abandon their children. Many narcissistic parents have an emotionally immature worldview.
For the narcissist, a pregnancy, whether real or faked, is a method of entrapment. It will keep her in a man's life for at least 18 years and cause a lifetime of emotional abuse.
Most will want children with you, no matter how many they already have or how many you have. This is all just another manipulative tool for the narcissist to help them achieve their aims. There are several ways a narcissist will use having a child together for manipulation.
Narcissistic parenting isn't about bragging on social media or forcing rigorous extracurricular activities on your kids. It goes a lot deeper, and it's one of the most toxic ways to raise your kids. Narcissistic parents have a hard time allowing their kids to become their own person, or have their own needs met.
The obsession or focus a narcissistic parent has on a child often has to do with the parent's own emotional needs. Narcissistic parents support children's “greatness” and encourage their talents, with the excuse that they love their child and are sacrificing themselves for the child's future.
A mother with narcissistic tendencies is typically overly concerned with her daughter's appearance and achievements and how they reflect back on her, says Lis. As a result, the daughter doesn't learn to be her authentic self.
Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. Some children may show traits of narcissism, but this is often typical for their age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.
A major way how a narcissist affects custody is by pursuing parental rights as a form of enhancing or creating a power disparity between themselves and the other parent. It is believed that many narcissists primarily want child custody not for the welfare of the kid, but for their own gratification.
Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.
Narcissists want children because they believe they will get more out of the relationship than they do. But parenting is the most selfless job you will ever have, Thomas said, and the unrealistic expectations can lead to narcissistic rage when a child grows up and becomes their own person.
Studies show that narcissists are more likely to get divorced than people who do not have a narcissistic personality disorder. However, if you can handle the challenges of being married to a narcissist and can find ways to make your relationship work, you may have a very happy marriage.
In fact, research has shown that nearly 60% of all marriages to narcissists – male or female – end in divorce. So, what's the reason for this high rate of divorce involving this one personality type? Let's take a closer look.
Narcissistic partners act as if they are always right, that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent. This often leaves the other person in the relationship either angry and trying to defend themselves or identifying with this negative self-image and feeling badly about themselves.