There's generally a valid reason why we start pushing away those we love: Trauma, breakups, or mental health crises reduce our sense of self-worth. We fear rejection, leading us to avoid the risk of emotionally investing in people. Our behavior changes.
And the greater the trauma, the more they come to expect that betrayal. And, in this way, the feelings of love that they so desperately crave, becomes the source of pain. So pushing people away becomes a defense mechanism to keep people from being too close - where they can feel hurt.
One of the biggest reasons why people who grew up with trauma struggle to maintain good relationships, is because of our own behaviors that push people away. I teach a lot about triggers -- the way people and experiences can dysregulate us and throw us off -- neurologically, physically, emotionally.
Pushing people away in these cases may cause a temporary relief from anxiety or agitation, but the tension that has bubbled up is likely to recur unless the root causes are addressed. Pushing people away again and again is a frequent sign of mental health problems such as depression and trauma.
Mental health issues, such as depression and stress, can also be the reasons why you push people away even when you need them. Some people may push the ones they love away when stressed or sad because they either don't want to burden them or they want to deal with their problems in private.
When people with BPD feel that they're being abandoned or neglected, they feel intense fear or anger. They might track their loved ones' whereabouts or stop them from leaving. Or they might push people away before getting too close to avoid rejection.
Push/Pull behaviors
Pulling someone into a close relationship and then pushing that person away repeatedly is one of the most well-known symptoms of BPD. It causes the person in question to be confused about where they stand in the relationship.
And some people with anxiety constantly push the supportive partner away. At some point, the partner will give up if the effort to address the anxiety isn't being addressed and the doors of communication are closed.
One study3 asked 911 students (492 female and 419 male) about their experiences with trauma as children. The students that were surveyed that experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse were more likely to exhibit attachment styles that were fearful, preoccupied, and dismissive.
A trauma bond may be difficult to spot, because it involves a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, sometimes called love bombing. Common signs that someone is stuck in a trauma bond include: Dependency on the abuser. Defensiveness, or making excuses to others for an abuser.
The effects of exposure to trauma in childhood have repeatedly been linked to the development of maladaptive personality traits and personality disorders [1,2,3,4]. In contrast, much less is known about personality related problems that may arise in adulthood.
When a Trauma response is triggered, the more primitive part of the nervous system dominates. This is geared towards shutting down, protection and survival. Because it is a passive defensive response we may feel helpless or hopeless.
Avoiding reminders—like places, people, sounds or smells—of a trauma is called behavioral avoidance. For example: A combat Veteran may stop watching the news or using social media because of stories or posts about war or current military events.
Anger and aggression may also arise because, after traumatic experiences, a person may feel threatened very easily. This defensive aggression is a natural reaction for a person who feels threatened. An individual's sense of who he or she is may also be affected.
What is Trauma blocking? Trauma blocking is an effort to block out and overwhelm residual painful feelings due to trauma. You may ask “What does trauma blocking behavior look like? · Trauma blocking is excessive use of social media and compulsive mindless scrolling.
While many may assume that trauma dumping is typically exhibited by those suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this is not necessarily the case. In fact, those with PTSD are less likely to talk about traumatic memories or experiences with others.
With PTSD and anger, common symptoms include irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation). These are typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects. Another potential symptom is reckless or self-destructive behavior.
Not only is BPD one of the most painful mental illnesses, but it's also intensified by stigma and being misunderstood by others. Fortunately, borderline personality disorder is a treatable condition, and the pain doesn't have to be endless.
Identifying Episodes
Intense angry outbursts. Suicidal thoughts and self-harm behavior. Going to great lengths to feel something, then becoming increasingly avoidant and withdrawn. Paranoia, feeling as if there is someone out to get you.
Because avoidance is your primary coping mechanism, you avoid not just social situations but also your inner world. You tend to shut down when feelings get overwhelming.
Fear of Patients Lashing Out. Individuals with symptoms of BPD are particularly sensitive to perceived criticism. This increases the likelihood that they will feel attacked when a therapist attempts to offer suggestions or insights. This often leads to lashing out.
Anything that causes someone to feel rejected or abandoned could be a trigger. While these fears are especially common in romantic relationships, any real (or perceived, for that matter) abandonment could escalate BPD symptoms. Breakups, canceled plans, or losing a job can all be triggering.