At first, it can seem like staying away from emotionality is protective, since no conflict or difficult emotions have to be dealt with. However, every human needs connection with other people in some form or another, so continuing on a dismissive-avoidant path can cause toxicity for all parties in the relationship.
Dismissive-Avoidant Emotional Abuse
Adults who have an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are more likely to instigate such abuse. Instead of desiring intimacy, they are so afraid of closeness that they avoid emotional connection with others. They'd rather not rely on others or be reliant on others.
The avoidant one of the pair then has someone who is constantly after them, even if they put in little effort. While the anxious person's fears of not being enough are validated, the avoidant person is safe in the knowledge their partner won't hurt them. It's a familiar — yet toxic — cycle.
The Dismissive-Avoidant is afraid of, and can't tolerate true intimacy. They were raised to not depend on anyone, or reveal any feelings, so their first instinct when someone gets close to them is to run away.
An avoidant person, with no one else to blame, may resort to narcissism (a falsely elevated sense of self), introversion (unaccountable to others), or perfectionism (rigidly accountable to self). The narcissist elevates self at the expense of others, believing self to be superior.
Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met. Perfectionism; nothing is good enough, the standard is set unrealistically high for themselves and often for others.
Avoidant attachers may be prone to sabotaging their healthy relationships. Their mistrust of their partners' intentions, combined with their fear of intimacy, can sometimes lead to them subconsciously behave in a way that pushes their partners away.
A dismissive-avoidant will shut down when approached with inconsistent communication. Over time a Dismissive-avoidant will stop trying to bridge the gap in emotional connection and slowly give up on the relationship.
Avoidants tend to not want to give anything or anybody their time or their energy. If it doesn't serve them any purpose, they won't do it. So if they are with you and they are giving you their time, that is a really good indication that they care about you and they are putting you as a priority.
Much like the anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style is often due to early childhood experiences. Trauma that could cause avoidant attachment includes neglect. This can explain why they fear getting too close to others. Or, why they feel they have to be so independent.
So, those studies that find correlations between dismissing attachment and narcissism report results from people who, for the most part, do not have dismissing attachment styles and are not narcissists.
This means they love you because those with avoidant attachments have a tendency to be hypersexual. If they leave you alone in their home or apartment, that's a big sign they care.
Being independent, and teaching your children how to be independent, is important for survival. That said, though, having an avoidant-dismissive attachment style is not ideal for a person, and it may strongly impact both the avoider and those in their life.
For this reason, and the fact that they find emotional closeness difficult, avoidant adults may be more likely to have a lot of friends rather than a few close ones. Avoidant attachers are often the life and soul of the party due to their elevated confidence and high self-esteem.
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
A dismissive-avoidant person cannot form supportive relationships. They are not comfortable providing support to friends or romantic partners and they feel less obligated to do so. Their view of those who seek support is that they are dependent, weak, emotionally unstable, and immature.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.
Dismissive-avoidant partners may attempt to convince themselves that they're independent and no longer need connection from their spouse, however this only leads to an element of detachment and defensiveness. They may be harsh and/or act like they just don't care (but newsflash- they do).
Most attachment specialists believe that the disorganized attachment style is the most difficult of the three insecure attachment styles to treat because it incorporates both the anxious and the avoidant styles.
They might start acting rude or trying to find flaws in their partner so that they have an excuse to break up with them. Dismissive-avoidants believe that they don't need emotional connection and use this behavior as a defense mechanism.
Love Avoidants recognize and are attracted to the Love Addict's strong fear of being left because Love Avoidants know that all they have to do to trigger their partner's fear is threaten to leave.
In an argument, partners with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style might hide or suppress their feelings to avoid sharing or becoming emotionally tangled with another person.
Fearful-Avoidant with Dismissive-Avoidant: Yellow light
That said, a fearful-avoidant individual and dismissive-avoidant individual can create a positive, hard-won connection when both are doing their inner work.
Dismissive Avoidant
They may also believe that relationships can actually hinder personal growth. Those who display signs of dismissive avoidant attachment may seem “selfish” or may indeed be more selfish in pathology.