Avoidant people often long for relationships when they are alone although they use “deactivating strategies” to cope. “Deactivating strategies” are those mental processes by which the Avoidant person convinces themselves that being alone is just as good or better than being in relationship.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
But sometimes a deactivation can take a few months if the deactivation is deep. The more upset or hurt an avoidant is, the longer they'll deactivate or take to respond.
The fearful avoidant will typically appear to move on from you quickly. The fearful avoidant will still think you're available for them even after a breakup. Don't expect the fearful avoidant to initiate contact. They will long for you when they think there's no chance.
Subconsciously, they will go on to seek partners with opposite attachment styles. Therefore, dismissive and fearful avoidants tend to settle down with anxious attachment types.
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness and reassurance from their partner, fearing that they will abandon them. In another instance, they may begin to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and attempt to distance themselves.
These individuals still have needs for connection just like everyone else, but they are conflicted to let themselves get too close and may feel an uncontrollable need to deactivate (or withdraw) when someone wants to get even closer.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Can a Fearful-Avoidant Fall in Love? The answer is yes; fearful-avoidants have the capacity to love, just like anyone else. However, their attachment style may influence the way they express and experience love in their relationships.
What I've seen in the past is the fearful avoidant most likely will reach out to you first and before the month mark. If they don't then you can reach out to them around three to four weeks and just kind of see where they're at. You can see how they're doing and just care for them.
What really happens is they doubt their feelings and go back and forth from believing them. Depending on what side of the breakup you're on, you have probably seen this hot and cold behavior. Fearful avoidants desire a deep connection, but once it is lost, the barrier to regaining trust can be a mountain to climb.
However, in contrast, a child with a fearful avoidant attachment will act conflicted towards their caregiver. They may at first run to them, but then seem to change their mind and either run away or act out against their mother.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
To support your partner during a disagreement, you could offer to give them space. Doing so validates your partner's feelings and needs without explicitly naming them. It also demonstrates that you're in control of your own emotions, which can make an avoidant partner feel less smothered in stressful situations.
On the other hand, fearful avoidants have a greater chance of returning to you once you stop chasing them. Just like dismissive avoidants, they would also follow a similar on-and-off relationship pattern but with greater intensity, coming off as someone with mixed feelings.
They may initially run towards their caregiver but then seem to change their mind and either run away or act out. A child with a fearful avoidant attachment often desires comfort and closeness with their caregiver, but once close, they act fearful and untrusting.
On the other hand, people with an avoidant attachment may be attracted to anxious partners because their pursuit and need for closeness reinforce the avoidant person's need for independence and self-reliance. Anxious and avoidant partners may also seek their partner's traits due to wanting those traits in themselves.
Some researchers believe that there may be a link between fearful avoidant attachment and trauma. Traumatic experiences can cause people to become distrustful of others and to believe that they are not worth trusting. This can lead to a fearful avoidant attachment style.
Pushing for alone time and hanging out too frequently will scare off a fearful avoidant. They value their own freedom very much, and they're drawn to partners who can be equally independent.
The avoidant attachment style (a.k.a. fear of commitment) usually arises from past emotional experiences. No one is born an avoidant; people learn to behave towards other people in such a way. Fear of commitment arises from the relationships with the main caregivers (such as parents).
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met.