We can be both the victimiser and victim of gaslighting, even simultaneously. Within a long-term relationship, gaslighting can vacillate between partners, especially if the pair are given to power struggles.
It may not harm you initially. However, the long-term consequences may be detrimental. A victim of gaslighting may spiral into a strong sense of self-doubt, confusion, feeling anxious all the time, isolation, and eventually, depression. The effect of gaslighting on the victim may start with a feeling of disbelief.
Gaslighting is an abusive tactic, meant to make you doubt your thoughts and feelings. It may start in small ways, then grow into a false sense of reality. It can occur in minor incidents, making it so it's hard to notice there's a problem at all, especially in a relationship where you trust your partner.
It is not always the case that there is only one abusive or manipulative person in a relationship – sometimes it is both people. A gaslighter is not immune to being gaslighted. However, it is not advisable to play games as this could have negative consequences for you and your health.
Without being aware of it, you could potentially gaslight others and not even know. Gaslighting can happen in all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. It can also happen between family members, friends and coworkers.
Perhaps the most damaging form of gaslighting, reality manipulation is what most people imagine when they think of gaslighting. In the film “Gas Light,” the husband uses reality manipulation to try to convince his wife that she is losing her mind.
They do apologize—but those apologies are conditional.
Gaslighters are masters of the "conditional apology." You know, when someone says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." That's not an apology; the other person is not taking responsibility for his behavior.
The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.
A genuine apology involves taking responsibility for one's actions and expressing remorse for the harm that was caused. A gaslighter who is truly sorry for their behavior will acknowledge the impact of their words or actions on the person they have hurt and will make an effort to change their behavior in the future.
Some of the most common reasons people gaslight are:
They have a desire to be in control. They use gaslighting to stop conflict. They use it to deflect their personal responsibility. They want to keep a people pleaser partner trying to please.
Typically, gaslighters do not want to break up. "In most cases, they want to stay in the relationship and keep it on their terms," says mental health counselor Rebecca Weiler.
Gaslighters may not truly understand what love means. They may see their victims as objects to be controlled and manipulated rather than individuals deserving of respect and care. Gaslighters may not be capable of love due to their own emotional and psychological issues.
Gaslighters require complete and unrealistic loyalty, but don't expect loyalty from them. (In fact, in romantic relationships, gaslighters are notorious for their infidelity.)
In many cases, the gaslighter will get defensive about their actions and claim they do it out of love. I only do it because I love you. By saying this, they're making their victim feel as if their love for the gaslighter is less than what they're receiving in return.
If the gaslighter is willing to be honest with themselves and do the hard work of changing how they interact it's possible to change this behavior. However, if they're unwilling to recognize the pattern then the pattern is unlikely to change.
If you think you are being gaslit (rather than having poor communication or a healthy disagreement), try to talk things out with the other person. Communicate your needs and set clear boundaries. Take notes so that you have a written record if the gaslighter tries to twist the narrative.
Because gaslighters usually don't apologize or admit wrongdoing, it's harder for their victims to move on from the experience.
Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness. Others who gaslight might not be aware that they're doing it.
The most effective gaslighters are often the hardest to detect; they may be better recognized by their victims' actions and mental state. Who becomes a gaslighter? Created with Sketch. Those who employ this tactic often have a personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathy chief among them.
The term “gaslighting” originates in a British play-turned film from the 1930s. The play was called “Gas Light” and the plot is about a husband who mentally and emotionally manipulates his wife into believing she is crazy by changing the intensity of the gas lamps within their home.
Gaslighting is abuse. It happens in relationships, often without the awareness of the person receiving it. It can cause trauma. And it's never okay.