An avoidantly attached person may feel as though their patterns of avoidance are permanent and cannot be changed. However, the good news is that avoidant attachment can be healed, and individuals can develop more secure, fulfilling attachment styles through effort and support.
Healing does exist, and you can have a healthy secure relationship. If you want to learn more and find the tools to help you rewire your avoidantly attached brain so that you feel better in your relationships, contact me, an anxiety and relationship therapist, at (561) 406-4398 or contact me here.
While attachment style is relatively stable, it can change through adulthood. Avoidant attachment may be modified through major life events such as trauma or other challenging life events.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
An avoidant-dismissive person can have a successful loving relationship once they acknowledge their attachment style and are willing to work on the detrimental effect it will play out on their loving relationship if they continue acting out avoidant-dismissive behavior.
Despite popular opinion, it's entirely possible to have a satisfying, fulfilling relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style. Although we stated earlier that attachment styles are stable, they are not a life sentence. Your avoidant partner can become more secure in their actions.
For a Rolling Stone, a dismissive avoidant breakup can at first evoke feelings of relief, but eventually, they too have to process the fallout. Especially if the relationship meant a lot to them. However, as mentioned earlier, they find this incredibly hard.
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
The dismissive avoidant tends to ruminate on the break-up for quite a while. To the anxious preoccupied, that's going to look to them as if the person just doesn't care, but that's not the case. They need the time to sit with their feelings and understand if the break-up was an overreaction or not.
When a dismissive-avoidant feels an expectation placed upon them, they can feel incapable. We all have needs and boundaries. If either makes a dismissive-avoidant feel like they are due to their “weaknesses,” they can shut down quickly.
Most f the time however, a dismissive avoidant ex's regret is not “I wish we were still together” but more like “I wish this didn't happen.” And believe it or not, there are dismissive avoidants who feel really bad for hurting someone who cared for them and tried to love them but found it too hard.
However, regardless of whether they are the instigator of a breakup or not, avoidant attachers tend to repress or avoid expression of their intense emotions in the aftermath. This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do.
You Might Be Unable to Tolerate Conflict
People with a dismissive-avoidant style are not afraid of abandonment or the end of a relationship.
If You Exhibit Anxious Behaviors After A Breakup They Won't Be Regretting The Breakup. We already know that regret for a fearful avoidant doesn't come until they feel safe to feel regret. Usually that means “you've moved on to someone else” or you haven't talked to them in a long time.
Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on. In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
They're always looking for the red flags, and they will find them, so when you go no contact with the dismissive avoidant, don't expect them to reach out to you. They won't text you because likely when you were in a relationship with them, you were the one to initiate most of the contact.
Whereas the avoidant is someone afraid of intimacy and emotional closeness and has a high need for independence and solitude. If your ex has an anxious attachment style, they likely moved on slower than an average person. Whereas if they have an avoidant one, they likely moved on faster than an average person.
For this reason, and the fact that they find emotional closeness difficult, avoidant adults may be more likely to have a lot of friends rather than a few close ones. Avoidant attachers are often the life and soul of the party due to their elevated confidence and high self-esteem.
If you feel that your avoidant partner isn't recognizing your love or reciprocating your efforts, it's time to leave. While you might feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or grief, this is all part of the healing process.
You may notice your avoidant partner has few close friends and family, yet those close to them they are fiercely loyal to. Avoidants are inherently mistrustful and suspicious of others. They find it difficult to be vulnerable and show emotion because to them doing so equates to weakness and threatens survival.
Avoidant individuals may gravitate towards Acts of Service or Quality Time as their primary love languages, as these gestures offer connection without excessive emotional vulnerability.
Challenges with self-confidence and feelings of low self-worth are at the core of this particular attachment style. This negative view of themselves, that they are unworthy of love, produces a fear of being rejected by another.
In a Love Avoidants mind, intimacy with another person is equivalent to being engulfed, suffocated, and controlled. Too much closeness can literally cause them to feel like they are losing themselves, and yes, it can even feel like dying.