Sibling rivalry isn't always outgrown in childhood. In some cases, it only intensifies as time passes. While people often think of sibling rivalry as a childhood phenomenon, adult siblings fighting is a common phenomenon in which adult siblings struggle to get along, argue, or are even estranged from one another.
Many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, but it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child joins the family, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention.
The number of Americans who are completely estranged from a sibling is relatively small—probably less than 5 percent, says Karl Pillemer, Cornell University professor of human development and gerontology. The rest of us report mostly positive or neutral feelings about our siblings, but that can mean different things.
Don't solve all their conflicts, force them to share, or allow them to be mean to one another. Instead, treat toys as communal property and praise the times when they do get along. Encourage your older child to teach and help younger siblings instead of “parenting” them on your behalf.
Differing amounts of parental attention: Either you or your sister may feel that your parents favored one of you over the other, which can lead to rivalry and hatred between the two of you. Jealousy: It is not unusual for siblings to be compared to each other, either by others or by themselves.
Sibling estrangement is an outgrowth of "drifting apart and taking different paths. The more painful (break-up) is when it comes out of a conflict or many conflicts," Kennedy-Moore said. Often cutting off the relationship arises when one sibling "finds it toxic to have that person in their life," Kennedy-Moore said.
Toxic siblings will often take advantage of you. They might exploit you emotionally. For example, they could manipulate you into serving their own psychological needs. They could be counting on your assistance with whatever and whatever. In that way, they are disrespecting your time or other obligations.
Siblings aged 4 or more years apart may also show greater affection, prosocial behavior, and admiration towards one another, while siblings aged less than 4 years apart are more likely to be close (Buhrmester & Furman, 1990; Minnett, Vandell, & Santrock, 1983).
A survey conducted in 2019 by the Cornell University researcher Karl Pillemer, PhD, found that roughly 27 percent of the adult population is experiencing family estrangement, roughly 9 percent of which can be attributed to sibling relationship fallout.
Sibling rivalry is characterized by competitiveness, conflict, and jealousy among siblings. It can involve biological siblings, but it can also include stepsiblings, adopted siblings, and foster siblings. While common in childhood, it often affects adult sibling relationships as well.
First-born kids tend to be leaders, like CEOS and founders, and are more likely to achieve traditional success. Middle-born children often embody a mix of the traits of older and younger siblings, and they're very relationship-focused.
Middle siblings may not wind up as the corporate chiefs or the comedians, but whatever they do, they're likely to do it more collegially and agreeably—and, as a result, more successfully—than other siblings.
“Firstborns are held to a higher standard. As kids come into the birth order, parents loosen up,” he says, adding that his research has repeatedly found that younger siblings tend to be more sociable and outgoing, but also manipulative.
Potential challenges of a 3-year age gap
This can be a difficult age gap for parents, as the older sibling isn't capable of caring for himself but has needs that aren't as easily met as a younger firstborn's are. Sibling jealousy can still be a problem.
The reality is that siblings can grow up in the same environment and be completely different people in the ways they show up with others. This can be because of gendered socialization, genetics, birth order, childhood experiences and overall differing relationship with parents.
Sibling Relationship Quality
Research finds that wider age gaps between siblings seem to be related to less conflict, while smaller age gaps are related to a closer sibling relationship (Newman, 1996).
"Three things are typically at the root of most sibling rivalry: kids feeling they're getting unequal amounts of attention, degrees of responsiveness and severity of discipline," says Donna Housman, Ed. D., founder and CEO of the Housman Institute.
Sibling estrangement can be caused by parental favoritism, having immature parents, parental or sibling abuse, and psychopathy. There are steps you can take to heal from a toxic sibling relationship, such as doing deep Shadow Work, engaging in honest conversation, and family therapy.
Karl Pillemer, PhD, a professor of human development at Cornell University, estimates 20 to 30 percent of siblings have a relationship that's "congenial but distant," like mine. "They may not be in contact that much, but there's no estrangement or conflict," says Pillemer. "They've just dropped out of touch."
It's technically possible for two siblings to be as close as 9 or 10 months apart.
A relationship age gap bigger than 10 years often comes with its own set of issues. “While there are always exceptions to rules, a good rule to remember is that dating someone more than 10 years older will present challenges now or later that add to the preexisting challenges any relationship has,” he says.
Abuse is abuse, no matter who it's carried out by. Sibling abuse, just like other forms of abuse, can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Trauma bonding is the formation of an unhealthy bond between a person living with abuse and their abuser. Trauma bonds are not just found in romantic relationships. They can happen between family members, friends, and even coworkers. This bond is forged through affection alternating with abuse.
1 John 4:20. "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen."