A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
In closing, I just want to say going no contact works with pretty much every attachment style, but it's different for the fearful avoidant. You have to give it that time of three to four weeks in order for them to start to feel those emotions for you again and actually get back into their activated state.
We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if that's what you want.
They're always looking for the red flags, and they will find them, so when you go no contact with the dismissive avoidant, don't expect them to reach out to you. They won't text you because likely when you were in a relationship with them, you were the one to initiate most of the contact.
It's unusual for a fearful avoidant to reach out first (even if they secretly want to), so you'll have to make the first move after a period of no contact. It's important to ease back in slowly, so start with something low-key, like a text or DM. Keep the message short and light to avoid alienating or scaring them.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness and reassurance from their partner, fearing that they will abandon them. In another instance, they may begin to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and attempt to distance themselves.
Give them space when they pull away.
Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.
Not texting
If your fearful-avoidant partner doesn't reach out to you via texting or calling and you're sure they aren't stressed or triggered, they could be testing you. Fearful avoidants sometimes test their partners by withdrawing. They want to see if you'll try to win them back and fight for them.
They're scared to reach out first because they don't want to be met with rejection and they don't want to have their ego damaged any more than what it already is.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
Withdrawal, feelings of depression, and cycles of negative self-talk may ensue. It's hard for those with fearful avoidant to separate and not allow a breakup to be a reflection of self-worth.
They may initially run towards their caregiver but then seem to change their mind and either run away or act out. A child with a fearful avoidant attachment often desires comfort and closeness with their caregiver, but once close, they act fearful and untrusting.
Subconsciously, they will go on to seek partners with opposite attachment styles. Therefore, dismissive and fearful avoidants tend to settle down with anxious attachment types.
Instead of asking “how do I make my fearful avoidant ex miss me?”; Ask yourself, “How do I make my fearful avoidant ex feel safe, secure and loved enough to want come back?” There is increasing evidence that a secure attachment plays an important role in motivating an avoidant to want to persist in a relationship.
Like a dismissive avoidant what ultimately makes a fearful avoidant miss you is space. If they get it then they give themselves permission to “feel their feelings” which can ultimately end up in the exact same place as a dismissive, with them missing or longing you.
Most fearful avoidants will reach out or begin responding again after 2 – 5 days because they want connection and feel happier in relationships. You may even reach out and they'll tell you that they wanted to reach out and/or give some “fearful avoidant” reason why they didn't.
The fearful avoidant will typically go through a period of euphoria after a breakup due to their newfound freedom from the confines of the relationship. However, that doesn't mean they won't eventually regret the breakup.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
The answer is yes; fearful-avoidants have the capacity to love, just like anyone else. However, their attachment style may influence the way they express and experience love in their relationships. The challenge that fearful-avoidants face isn't falling in love, but remaining in love.
This is why we actually prefer shorter periods of no contact, no more than 21 days if you are trying to get a fearful avoidant back.
To support your partner during a disagreement, you could offer to give them space. Doing so validates your partner's feelings and needs without explicitly naming them. It also demonstrates that you're in control of your own emotions, which can make an avoidant partner feel less smothered in stressful situations.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.