In Summary, 5 Steps to Set Healthy Boundaries Openly communicate your boundaries to people in your life. Remind people if needed (but always stick to your boundaries) Don't be afraid to say “no” to things that don't serve you. Take time for yourself.
Be calm, firm, and clear about what you need. Have clear and reasonable consequences for crossing a boundary. If someone has a habit of talking over you, for example, you could say, “I feel disrespected when you talk over me. If you do that again, I'll have to end the conversation.”
Learning to set boundaries
Identify your boundaries. Be clear about what you need before trying to communicate or enforce the boundary. Communicate your boundaries or expectations clearly, calmly, and consistently. Stick to the facts without overexplaining, blaming, or becoming defensive.
“If it feels safe to let them know, be direct, kind, and clear about your boundary and how you will respond if a boundary is violated,” she says. “If it feels unsafe to let them know, seek the guidance of a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to help you make a plan for letting the person know your boundaries.”
You could probably list some obvious boundary violations, such as nonconsensual touch, name-calling, unsolicited advice, taking what's not given, and sharing confidential information without permission.
When you establish a new boundary with someone, the most common form of resistance is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.
If someone displays unmanageable emotions and easily flies off the handle, this is a serious red flag. Responding with uncontrollable rage or the "silent treatment" could point to abusive (physical or emotional) behavior in the future, says Trombetti.
Before we cover four specific boundaries, we must know the meaning of toxic boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are any expectations or behaviors that are harmful to yourself or others in your relationships. They usually manifest as control, manipulation, or exploitation.
One simple tactic you can use is to simply say, “I think you are deflecting things away from the issue I'm bringing up right now. I feel strongly that there is something here that we need to look at and I'm not willing to just sweep it under the carpet or take the blame.”
It's not mean or wrong to set boundaries. Boundaries protect us from being hurt and taken advantage of. Boundaries create healthy relationships and clear expectations. And we can learn to set boundaries without feeling guilty or like we're being mean!
Research suggests that narcissistic people and the people they target share a common ground of not setting boundaries. This toxic relationship likely developed due to both parties experiencing childhood trauma where they did not learn the value of setting boundaries or that boundaries existed!
Narcissists will often ignore boundaries altogether. They might steam-roller through them because they don't recognise them as being valid. If they don't ignore them, then expect them to test your boundaries. They're looking for wiggle room or weaknesses they can exploit.
People who push boundaries do it for numerous reasons. Some have low self-esteem or are self-serving. Some were raised that way, or are struggling to connect in a way they previously failed to. But for many, it's a simple lack of awareness, an inability to see what boundary they are pushing or how it is affecting you.
The four major types of boundary disputes are operational, allocational, locational, and definitional.
Unfortunately, people who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries. One of the biggest challenges that people have with boundaries is figuring out what to do when someone repeatedly violates them.
The silent treatment might be employed by passive personality types to avoid conflict and confrontation, while strong personality types use it to punish or control. Some people may not even consciously choose it at all.
The 3 day rule after argument is a common practice in relationships where individuals agree to take a 3 day relationship break from each other after a heated disagreement. During this time, both parties cool off, reflect on their feelings/thoughts, and avoid communication with each other.