Be positive.
If you want to get back together with a fearful avoidant, avoid doing or saying anything to make their anxiety worse. The goal is to make them feel safe around you, so remember to be calm, kind, and upbeat. Speak to them in a soothing tone of voice. Point out the silver lining when something bad happens.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
Inconsistency in relationships: Fearful-avoidant individuals may experience fluctuating emotions in their relationships, often oscillating between wanting closeness and pushing their partner away. They might seem warm and loving one moment, and distant or cold the next.
However, if a fearful-avoidant individual who is engaged in solid self-work connects with an anxiously attached person who is also mindful of personal wounds and needs, the relationship can develop slowly but surely in a safe, lovingly attached way that benefits both partners.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
Many times the fearful avoidant won't reach out because they feel as if they're making a fool out of themselves. If they said something in the past that was really hurtful and damaging they won't reach out because they feel like the damage has been done.
Some researchers believe that there may be a link between fearful avoidant attachment and trauma. Traumatic experiences can cause people to become distrustful of others and to believe that they are not worth trusting. This can lead to a fearful avoidant attachment style.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
If your fearful avoidant ex doesn't respond to a check-in, respect that they need a few days of space and reach out again 5 – 7 days later. The maximum times to reach out with no response is 3 over several weeks. After that, don't reach out again out of respect for yourself.
Avoidant individuals may gravitate towards Acts of Service or Quality Time as their primary love languages, as these gestures offer connection without excessive emotional vulnerability.
Fearful Avoidant
They fear being isolated from others, but also push people away and are inherently suspicious. They may start fights or create conflict, but fear rejection. They have few close friends. They may experience “emotional storms” or be unpredictable in their moods.
In this situation, try not to text them as much. Give them time and space to process their fears. If they're open enough with you to express their concerns, try helping them overcome their connection fears.
Secondly, Fearful-Avoidant children were persistently furious and expressed different feelings through their anger. Thirdly, Anxious-Preoccupied children were overwhelmed with an emotional overflow that they could detach or become aggressive toward themselves or others.
The hallmark of having been raised by left hemisphere parents is avoidant attachment, which often manifests as a deep, lifelong loneliness, a tendency to push others away and a struggle to find life's meaning.
Withdrawal, feelings of depression, and cycles of negative self-talk may ensue. It's hard for those with fearful avoidant to separate and not allow a breakup to be a reflection of self-worth.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
To support your partner during a disagreement, you could offer to give them space. Doing so validates your partner's feelings and needs without explicitly naming them. It also demonstrates that you're in control of your own emotions, which can make an avoidant partner feel less smothered in stressful situations.
The avoidant is terrified of losing their independence and as a result they push people away in relationships when that person gets too close. So, I hope you're seeing the pattern here. Every single action an anxious or avoidant will take is usually rooted in their core wounds.
On the other hand, the researchers found people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles tended to include fewer elements of a good apology or were less consistent in how they apologized. A good apology, however, requires a level of emotional investment that people with an avoidant attachment style find challenging.