"I love you and I'll miss you."
It's important to leave nothing unsaid. Let your loved one know how much you appreciate, love, and care for them. It is comforting and validating for a dying person to know the impact he or she had on this life. Express your love and allow yourself to be vulnerable with your loved one.
You can hold your loved one's hand or offer very gentle massage as long as that seems to be soothing to her. In the last few hours of life it is sometimes better to stop touching the patient so that she can keep her awareness on the dying process rather than on the physical realm she is trying to leave behind.
“Avoid clichés or platitudes,” notes psychiatrist and author Dr. Marcia Sirota. “Saying things like, 'Everything happens for a reason,' and, 'It's God's will,' can make the person feel like their illness is their fault.” Remarks like “You're strong” and “You'll get through this” are equally problematic.
Visual or auditory hallucinations are often part of the dying experience. The appearance of family members or loved ones who have died is common. These visions are considered normal. The dying may turn their focus to “another world” and talk to people or see things that others do not see.
You can simply sit with them, perhaps holding hands. Hearing is said to be the last sense to go, so you may want to talk, read aloud, sing or play music. Your cultural or spiritual traditions may require someone to be present, and this may also be the time to perform any rituals.
Those who spend a lot of time with the dying all tend to say the same thing — you don't need to say anything. "Don't say a lot. Let them talk," Maria Pate from Hospice Volunteers says. "Or let the silence be there."
“God, thank you for being with us right now. We confess that we don't understand why things happen the way they do. We don't understand why illness comes into our lives, but we do know that you walk every path of life with us. Remind Joe that you are walking with him right now.
More often, however, people who are dying feel respected and supported by openness and honesty in conversations. They may talk about symptoms such as pain , shortness of breath, or nausea. They may wonder what to expect when death is near. Rather than avoiding these concerns, acknowledge that they must be worrisome.
It isn't clear how long a person who is dying retains awareness of what is going on around them, but research suggests that some degree of awareness may remain even after the person slips from unconsciousness.
Generally speaking, people who are dying need care in four areas: physical comfort, mental and emotional needs, spiritual needs, and practical tasks. Of course, the family of the dying person needs support as well, with practical tasks and emotional distress.
“Our data shows that a dying brain can respond to sound, even in an unconscious state, up to the last hours of life.” This new insight into the dying brain's response to sound can help family and friends bring comfort to a person in their final moments.
Opening the window after someone dies is a tradition that hasn't died out. All over the world many nurses and families abide by this practice. It is said the souls of ancestors gather at the time of death of a family member and, regardless, this aids the soul transitioning to the next world.
For friends and family: what you can do
It might be reassuring for the person if you speak calmly to them and hold or stroke their hand gently. Even if someone is unconscious, they may still be able to hear or feel you. If you are worried that they are distressed or in pain, speak to their doctor or nurse.
Research suggests that even as your body transitions into unconsciousness, it's possible that you'll still be able to feel comforting touches from your loved ones and hear them speaking. Touch and hearing are the last senses to go when we die.
One of the wildest innovations is “living funerals.” You can attend a dry run of your own funeral, complete with casket, mourners, funeral procession, etc. You can witness the lavish proceedings without having an “out-of-body” experience, just an “out-of-disposable-income” experience.
So when you have to say goodbye to your forever person, be thankful. Be thankful that you met them. Be thankful that you got the chance to know them. Be thankful that you got to feel the way you felt about them in your lifetime.
For years, it's been a rule of thumb among healthcare circles that a dying patient will still retain the ability to hear and understand their surroundings even after all other senses have shut down. “Never assume the person is unable to hear you,” advises the British organization Dying Matters.