Let them know the exact behavior you feel remorseful for It helps to let them know that you are aware of the exact thing you did that hurt them. So, you may want to say something like, “I am sorry for treating your mother the way I did.”
They go into attack mode to make it about you so they can boost their narcissistic supply. When you apologize, the narcissist sees it as a weakness and will use this against you. Maybe you are thinking it would be wrong to not apologize if you did something to hurt someone else.
So if you work with a narcissist, don't try to lower their confidence. Just temper it with humility. Don't tell them they're not great. Instead, remind them that they're human, they haven't succeeded alone, and what sets the best apart is that they're always striving to get better.
A monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on. Then, of course, the next step is to spend time improving. The narcissist sabotages any possibility of looking deep within.
What is this? To make a narcissist feel guilty about their actions or mistakes, they need to know that there are consequences. Let the narcissist know that you won't tolerate their actions and that you're willing to walk away from the relationship if it continues.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.
Narcissists are constantly in self-protection mode. Another reason narcissists refuse to apologize is because to apologize requires empathy. Empathy is the capacity to place yourself into someone else's position and to understand what someone else is feeling.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
When a narcissist apologizes, they're not admitting they were at fault or did something wrong. Narcissists lie all the time, and an apology is just another lie they use to get back any attention or admiration they may have lost.
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people.
Generally, narcissists are very frugal with their money and defensive with it. When it comes to their possessions, they don't give them freely. There is, however, more to this greed than self-preservation. Due to their lack of empathy, narcissists may not understand the benefits of sharing their resources.
Narcissists are motivated by feeling superior and expanding their power, and so the only things that matter when helping others are receiving adulation, fame, influence, opportunities, notoriety, and other resources. They dont actually care about others because to them other people are just things to use.
Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.
Empathize with Their Feelings
It is extremely soothing to Narcissists when you demonstrate that you understand and empathize with how they feel. But..do not insert anything about how the situation makes you feel, or anything about you at all unless it is an apology.
“This happens when, again, there's such an inflated view of the self that you're not able to process and respect the needs, wants, and feelings of others,” says Dr. Hoffman. This lack of empathy in narcissists is what makes their behaviors so inherently hurtful, whether they're “trying” to be hurtful or not.
For a narcissist to be happy, you'll always have to accept their version of events as the truth. Otherwise, you'll be on the receiving end of their narcissistic rage. Even if you do everything they ask, a narcissist will still try and undermine you at every opportunity.
Boundaries help you shut down the narcissist, which they hate. Establish boundaries by figuring out what you need from this person. Then, tell them your expectations for them. Be honest about what you're willing to accept from them, and what you won't allow.