Before we cover four specific boundaries, we must know the meaning of toxic boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are any expectations or behaviors that are harmful to yourself or others in your relationships. They usually manifest as control, manipulation, or exploitation.
“If it feels safe to let them know, be direct, kind, and clear about your boundary and how you will respond if a boundary is violated,” she says. “If it feels unsafe to let them know, seek the guidance of a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to help you make a plan for letting the person know your boundaries.”
How do you respond when someone disrespects your boundaries?
You can't control other people, but you can react to the situation in such a way that the broken boundary is clearly stated. Calmly let the person know that what they did wasn't okay. If this person continues to violate your boundaries, you may have to rethink the boundary or accept that the behavior will never change.
Controlling behaviors can also be a symptom of several personality disorders, such as histrionic p ersonality, borderline personality, and narcissistic personality. These disorders can only be diagnosed by a licensed health care professional.
A person with a “controlling personality” is driven by high levels of anxiety to feel safe. Though the need for control might be an unconscious feeling, the anxiety can create a strong desire to control surroundings and other people to keep a sense of order.
Judith Orloff advises, "Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach." Control freaks love a good power struggle; playing into it never ends well.
Unfortunately, people who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries. One of the biggest challenges that people have with boundaries is figuring out what to do when someone repeatedly violates them.
If this sounds like your child, you may want to discuss these common examples of boundary violations:
Intruding on someone's personal space. The most basic boundary violation involves getting too close physically or touching people in a way that they don't like. ...
If you're dealing with an Imposer, start keeping track of what they say and do. Facts to an imposer (and narcissists) are like daylight and garlic to vampires. Be factual, not emotional in any dealings and they will soon back off. Often, people try to appeal to an imposer's emotions with emotional descriptions.
Here are some examples of what unhealthy boundaries may look like: Disrespecting the values, beliefs, and opinions of others when you do not agree with them. Not saying “no” or not accepting when others say “no.” Feeling like you are responsible for other people's feelings and/or happiness.
What is the difference between boundaries and controlling others?
The difference between control and boundaries is that control is meant to make others what you want them to be but boundaries make it safe for us to be ourselves. A primary aggressor will not respect boundaries. If a survivor tries to set boundaries, it may very well increase her danger.
When you establish a new boundary with someone else, the most common form of resistance one gets is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.
