Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.
A gaslighter may use verbal abuse to wear their victim down in an attempt to keep them stuck in the relationship. They may use constant insults or comments like, "You know you'll never get anyone better than me," or, "You're terrible with money.
Gaslighters use lies, false promises and personal attacks to make those around them doubt themselves. For example, at a meeting on Tuesday, your boss says, “You can all leave at noon on Friday.” When Friday comes along, your boss indignantly says, “I would never say you could leave early. You weren't paying attention.”
They do apologize—but those apologies are conditional.
He's simply manipulating you into feeling seen by acknowledging your feelings. Gaslighters will only apologize if they are trying to get something out of you.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion. Last week we looked at the straight-up lie and reality manipulation. This week we are going to focus on scapegoating and coercion.
Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter's harmful behavior, Sarkis says.
Gaslighters love to wield your love and affection for them as a weapon against you and will use this phrase to excuse a wide variety of bad behaviors, Stern says. But the bottom line is that you can love someone and be upset about something they did at the same time.
If you're not familiar with the term, gaslighting is when someone makes you question your sanity by manipulating your thoughts and emotions. A gaslighter might say/do things to make you feel worthless. Or they might lie to you outright and then deny that they ever said anything, making you doubt your memory.
They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
The term "gaslighting" derives from the title of the 1944 American film Gaslight, in which a husband uses trickery to convince his wife that she is mentally unwell so he can steal from her.
Convincing someone to question their reality gives a gaslighter a sense of power and superiority. Despite all this, gaslighting often isn't so obvious. Many gaslighters may not realize they're gaslighting, and many people who are being gaslighted also fail to recognize it at first.
People with personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, may use gaslighting as a way to control spouses, children, co-workers, or any other relationship where the person with a character disorder feels vulnerable.
Gaslighter's Victims
People who are most susceptible to being victims of gaslighting more often exhibit characteristics of ADHD, anxiety or depression, said Sarkis. Gaslighting is present in about 30 to 40 percent of the couples she treats, where such disorders are more commonly represented.
Manipulators are experts in exaggeration and generalization. They may say things like, “No one has ever loved me.” They use vague accusations to make it harder to see the holes in their arguments. This tactic used by manipulators is meant to poke at your weaknesses and make you feel insecure.
They may say things such as, “Are you sure about that? You have a bad memory,” or “I think you are forgetting what really happened.” Withholding: This involves someone pretending they do not understand the conversation, or refusing to listen, to make a person doubt themselves.
It's a technique often used by those with narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorders to deflect any responsibility from themselves. The victim of gaslighting often asks “what did I do?” and finds themselves eventually questioning and second guessing everything they do.
Gaslighting may lead a person to develop mental health concerns. The constant self-doubt and confusion can contribute to anxiety. A person's hopelessness and low self-esteem may lead to depression. Posttraumatic stress and codependency are also common developments.
A gaslighter will repeatedly undermine and trivialise your thoughts and feelings. You might hear common phrases like 'you're being too sensitive', 'you're overreacting' or even 'this is all your fault'. If someone you care about keeps undermining you in this way, you're very likely to start believing them.
Remember that gaslighters have fragile egos, little self-esteem, and are inherently weak. Own your own strengths, be firm in your position, and know that you have the inner resources needed to protect yourself from harm.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem. They may say that you made them act the way they did because you irritated them.
Common phrases gaslighters may use:
"I did that because I love you." "I don't know why you're making such a huge deal of this." "You're being overly sensitive." "You are being dramatic."