Based on clinical observation, Lewis's shame–rage theory posits that feelings of shame may instigate a seething, hostile type of anger described as humiliated fury. Lewis proposed that this is an essentially defensive response to the powerlessness and defectiveness felt when experiencing shame.
People who live with shame often feel worthless, depressed, and anxious. Shame can be a contributing factor to depression, anxiety, and co-dependency. [iii] People who are constantly ashamed may have emotional difficulties and may fight a mental battle each and every day.
As an adult, reacting in anger when we experience those emotions of guilt, embarrassment or shame, is a way to protect the ego. We remove ourselves from blame in order to reassure ourselves that we are still worthy of love and acceptance.
Shame is a necessary human emotion that helps us develop a moral compass, but it can become destructive in our lives. It can lead us to believe that we have to be perfect or else we are not lovable. It can lead us to withdraw from others. It can lead us to be defensive and distant.
Shame has a central social component, and involves fears of being judged, criticized or rejected by others rather than just judging oneself. The origins of shame can almost always be tied back to past experiences of feeling judged, criticized, or rejected by someone else.
In addition to the typical emotions that can accompany shame, such as envy, anger, rage, and anxiety, we can also include sadness, depression, depletion, loneliness, and emptiness as a result.
Childhood abuse, neglect, and other traumatic experiences can cause toxic shame and make us believe we're not good enough.
The four poles of the Compass of Shame: Withdrawal (hiding), Attack Self (deference), Avoidance (look where I want you to look) and Attack Other (put down).
Shame may motivate not only avoidant behavior but also defensive, retaliative anger. Psychological research consistently reports a relationship between proneness to shame and a host of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem.
[4] reported that shame induces individuals to perform moral behavior to eliminate or attenuate their negative feelings, and to defend against a devaluation from others. Lewis [5] also viewed a threatened or damaged self as the central focus of experiences of shame.
There is a strong correlation between anger and shame, and for many of us, anger could be a cover for the shame we are trying to ignore and avoid feeling.
A shame-rage cycle describes feelings that can occur when an individual is shamed (by being made fun of, humiliated, embarrassed, etc) and the negative feelings associated cause aggressive behaviors. The rage or aggression occurs as a means of avoiding the negative feelings of shame.
Allow yourself to feel the emotion of guilt and own up to what you did wrong. Taking responsibility for your own actions can become a way to gain self esteem. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of shame. Leave the upsetting situation and hang out with the feelings of shame.
This shame tells us that we are so defective as to have deserved whatever bad thing has befallen us. Not only do people feeling shame believe they are flawed, but it can also make them think that other people see them that way, too. Shame, therefore, is one of the most damaging and even dangerous emotions.
Shame-based behaviors seek to quell overwhelming and complex feelings of humiliation and grief through escapism. Avoidance, self-harm, addiction, and compulsions are all shame-based behaviors that seek to mask the painful feeling.
Be aware of the physical signs of shame
Slumped shoulders, lowering our head, looking down, avoiding eye contact, hesitant speech patterns – these are clues that we feel unworthy and want to avoid letting anyone else see into us.
Researchers have found there are three primary responses to shame: moving away, moving toward, and moving against it. In other words, withdrawal, people pleasing or fighting back against those who trigger our shame response.
Two key areas of the brain are activated by shame: the prefrontal cortex and the posterior insula. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain associated with moral reasoning. This is where judgements about the self occur. The posterior insula is the part of the brain that engages visceral sensations in the body.
Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is the antidote to shame. Research has shown that self-compassion is associated with increased well-being, resilience, and happiness. Self-compassion is a powerful tool to release shame from your body and counteract perfectionism and self-judgment.
Guilt and shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia, but they also nudge us to behave better, says Sznycer. “When we act in a way we are not proud of, the brain broadcasts a signal that prompts us to alter our conduct.”
A universal warning signal. According to the authors, shame—like pain—evolved as a defense. “The function of pain is to prevent us from damaging our own tissue,” says Sznycer. “The function of shame is to prevent us from damaging our social relationships, or to motivate us to repair them if we do.”
Certain types of trauma have been associated with greater feelings of shame, including sexual violence, childhood abuse or neglect, and intimate partner violence. These are types of ongoing trauma that do not fully heal and leave people with a persistent sense of powerlessness.
Shame is one of the more painful emotions because it arises when those most foundational of human needs, the need to feel safe and the need to belong, remain unmet. Because it is so painful, we are compelled to find ways to avoid it if possible, to manage it when we must, and, if necessary, to neutralise it.