If your fearful avoidant ex doesn't respond to a check-in, respect that they need a few days of space and reach out again 5 – 7 days later. The maximum times to reach out with no response is 3 over several weeks. After that, don't reach out again out of respect for yourself.
Give them the space you think they need, and then give them some more. They are highly sensitive to feeling smothered in relationships, and space and time to decompress is essential to their personal wellbeing and the wellbeing of your relationship.
People with avoidant attachment styles need a lot of time on their own. If your partner asks for some space or wants to be by themselves, don't take it personally. Try to respect their need for alone time, and welcome them with open arms when they're ready to talk again.
This is why we actually prefer shorter periods of no contact, no more than 21 days if you are trying to get a fearful avoidant back.
It's unusual for a fearful avoidant to reach out first (even if they secretly want to), so you'll have to make the first move after a period of no contact. It's important to ease back in slowly, so start with something low-key, like a text or DM. Keep the message short and light to avoid alienating or scaring them.
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness and reassurance from their partner, fearing that they will abandon them. In another instance, they may begin to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and attempt to distance themselves.
What I've seen in the past is the fearful avoidant most likely will reach out to you first and before the month mark. If they don't then you can reach out to them around three to four weeks and just kind of see where they're at. You can see how they're doing and just care for them.
A fearful-avoidant person may not know how to feel about their relationships with friends and romantic partners. They often crave a relationship but are fearful of getting hurt. Once it becomes too intimate or emotional, they will likely withdraw or end the relationship.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
Barring individual differences, the prototypical fearful-avoidant seems to act just as the preoccupied person would in a relationship as long as anxiety levels are low. They both would crave constant attention, frequent contact, and expressions of love and intimacy.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Impacts of This Attachment Style
People with fearful avoidant attachment want to form strong interpersonal bonds but also want to protect themselves from rejection. This leads them to seek out relationships but avoid true commitment or to leave as soon as a relationship gets too intimate.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to cope with abandonment issues by not allowing people to get close to them, and not opening up and trusting others. They may be characteristically distant, private, or withdrawn.
Withdrawal, feelings of depression, and cycles of negative self-talk may ensue. It's hard for those with fearful avoidant to separate and not allow a breakup to be a reflection of self-worth.
Most fearful avoidants will reach out or begin responding again after 2 – 5 days because they want connection and feel happier in relationships. You may even reach out and they'll tell you that they wanted to reach out and/or give some “fearful avoidant” reason why they didn't.
Can a Fearful-Avoidant Fall in Love? The answer is yes; fearful-avoidants have the capacity to love, just like anyone else. However, their attachment style may influence the way they express and experience love in their relationships.
However, if a fearful-avoidant individual who is engaged in solid self-work connects with an anxiously attached person who is also mindful of personal wounds and needs, the relationship can develop slowly but surely in a safe, lovingly attached way that benefits both partners.
Simply put: an ex with an anxious attachment and fearful avoidants test you to see if you're still interested in them, still have feelings, miss them or want them back them, a dismissive avoidant ex tests you to see if they're still interested in you, still have feelings for you, miss you or want you back.