The best way to outsmart a gaslighter is to disengage. You can show up to the discussion with a mountain of evidence, videos, recordings, and more, and a gaslighting person will still find a way to deflect, minimize, or deny. It is more worth it to walk away with your perception intact.
They may invalidate your feelings, isolate you from your support system, dismiss your needs, and try to shift the blame. If you find yourself in a relationship with a person who is gaslighting you, avoid arguing with them and do your best to remain calm.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem. They may say that you made them act the way they did because you irritated them.
Phrases to shut down a gaslighting in any situation
"If you continue to speak to me like this I'm not engaging." "I hear you and that isn't my experience." "I am walking away from this conversation." "I am not interested in debating what happened with you."
If the gaslighter doesn't know they're gaslighting, it gives them a sense of hope. Essentially, people on the receiving end are trying to gauge how much patience they should have with their abuser. For example: Maybe if they don't know what they are doing, I can show them, and the conversation can be more productive.
“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”
Gaslighters love to wield your love and affection for them as a weapon against you and will use this phrase to excuse a wide variety of bad behaviors, Stern says. But the bottom line is that you can love someone and be upset about something they did at the same time.
Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.
Things to say when you're being gaslighted:
“I hear that your intention was to make a joke, and the impact was hurtful” “My feelings are my feelings; this is how I feel” “This is my experience and these are my emotions” “It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too”
Warning: When you start confronting a gaslighter, they're likely going to escalate their behaviors to try to take control of the situation. If this happens, take a step back from the situation because withdrawing gives you more power.
The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.
If the gaslighter is willing to be honest with themselves and do the hard work of changing how they interact it's possible to change this behavior. However, if they're unwilling to recognize the pattern then the pattern is unlikely to change.
The silent treatment is strikingly similar to gaslighting, as both flourish in power and control. In fact, some therapists call the silent treatment a form of gaslighting, used to cause personal uncertainty, and a sense of doubt when considering goals, self-views and worldviews.
Over time, a person who is a victim of gaslighting may start to believe that they cannot trust themselves, or that they have a mental health disorder. This gaslighting may lead to: anxiety. depression.
Gaslighting is the use of a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality. It's often used by people with narcissistic personality disorder, abusive individuals, cult leaders, criminals, and dictators.
One of the most common reasons people gaslight is to gain power over others. This need for domination may stem from narcissism, antisocial personality, or other issues. Like most cases of abuse, gaslighting is about control. As gaslighting progresses, the target often second-guesses their own memories and thoughts.
Like other forms of psychological abuse, gaslighting can affect you even after you've cut ties from the person responsible. In fact, there are even a few long-term effects of gaslighting, from anxiety and depression to increased feelings of self-doubt and even PTSD. That being said, recovery is possible.
Cognitive Empathy: This is a control mechanism gaslighters use by telling you what they think you want to hear. They'll sound empathetic and caring, but won't feel the emotions behind it.
Common phrases gaslighters may use:
"I did that because I love you." "I don't know why you're making such a huge deal of this." "You're being overly sensitive." "You are being dramatic."
As stated before, narcissists and gaslighters are ultimately insecure and thin-skinned. To counteract this lack of confidence, they will project false and exaggerated images of themselves. In the case of persons with vulnerable narcissism, they will try to convince others of their importance as their coping mechanism.
Point out their lies.
Gaslighters will try to justify their lies in an attempt to alter your perception. They can even make you question your sanity. If their reasoning seems off or doesn't make sense, speak up and say what you believe is true (as long as you feel comfortable enough to do so).
Typically, gaslighters do not want to break up. "In most cases, they want to stay in the relationship and keep it on their terms," says mental health counselor Rebecca Weiler.
Gaslighters are often very smart, concurred Connecticut-based psychotherapist Dori Gatter, PsyD. Their intellect, combined with their inability to handle negative feedback, means they often assume positions of authority in the workplace.