Are you fiercely independent, or do you push people away because of a fear of being hurt? This might be a trauma response. If you find yourself refusing help — even when receiving help would make things much simpler for you — you could be operating from a place of trauma through a response known as hyper-independence.
Abusive parents, abusive schools, and abusive partners, to name a few. The pain of these experiences has taught them that the safety of love can't be trusted. That even those who say they love them will hurt and betray them. And the greater the trauma, the more they come to expect that betrayal.
One of the biggest reasons why people who grew up with trauma struggle to maintain good relationships, is because of our own behaviors that push people away. I teach a lot about triggers -- the way people and experiences can dysregulate us and throw us off -- neurologically, physically, emotionally.
Pushing people away again and again is a frequent sign of mental health problems such as depression and trauma. If an imposed distance becomes one's only response to the world, the inner world can become equally deprived.
If you find that your loved one is pushing you away when you try to communicate with them or show support, it may be because those experiencing PTSD often: Find it difficult to regulate emotions. Distance/isolate themselves from others. Experience intimacy challenges.
Avoidance is a typical trauma response. It is a coping mechanism that you may use to reduce the adverse effects of trauma, such as distressing thoughts and feelings. It is entirely natural to want to not think about a traumatic event or your emotions related to it.
Whatever the reason, you really like someone, but on an unconscious level you are scared of being hurt. So you push them away. Then panic and pull them back. Anxiety and fear in relationships can run deep.
Individuals with borderline personality disorder often experience intense and overwhelming emotions that they struggle to regulate. As a result, they may exhibit extreme behaviors, such as lashing out in anger toward others or withdrawing from others, in an attempt to cope with their emotions.
And some people with anxiety constantly push the supportive partner away. At some point, the partner will give up if the effort to address the anxiety isn't being addressed and the doors of communication are closed.
To the people I've pushed away, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I made you angry whenever I didn't accept your help. I'm sorry if you didn't feel appreciated because you thought I wasn't listening to taking what you said into consideration.
One study3 asked 911 students (492 female and 419 male) about their experiences with trauma as children. The students that were surveyed that experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse were more likely to exhibit attachment styles that were fearful, preoccupied, and dismissive.
A trauma bond may be difficult to spot, because it involves a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, sometimes called love bombing. Common signs that someone is stuck in a trauma bond include: Dependency on the abuser. Defensiveness, or making excuses to others for an abuser.
Factors linking hyper-independence and trauma include: Believing social support is undeserved or unacceptable. Experiencing past neglect leading to self-reliance. Mistrusting others due to past abuse.
You may push people away because you don't feel like you're worth others' time and energy. This problem relates to low self esteem and self compassion. Low self esteem can stem from other mental health struggles, like depression or anxiety. It can also trace back to your childhood, when your inner voice was shaped.
Initial reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion, physical arousal, and blunted affect. Most responses are normal in that they affect most survivors and are socially acceptable, psychologically effective, and self-limited.
There's generally a valid reason why we start pushing away those we love: Trauma, breakups, or mental health crises reduce our sense of self-worth. We fear rejection, leading us to avoid the risk of emotionally investing in people. Our behavior changes.
Too nervous or intimidated to let down their guard, or too frozen by anxiety to express themselves clearly, they may inadvertently push the other person away, falling into an instinctive mode of self-protection despite their deeper wishes.
Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) involves high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousness and concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.
People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. During rage, a person may say or do things that they later regret. This could lead to ending the relationship in the heat of the moment. BPD rage is often followed by significant regret and shame.
It's characterized by unstable moods and emotions, which affect relationships and behaviors. As a result, friendships with people with BPD can be rocky. Sometimes, people with BPD engage in behaviors that can seem manipulative, mean-spirited, or destructive.
In the push-pull cycle, one person craves intimacy and another actively avoids it. It might start with the avoider starting to cool off the passion and enthusiasm they had originally shown for their partner, wanting to spend more time alone or planning an increased amount of activities independently.
What many are confused by is the push-pull cycle of “come close/go away” behaviors. Commonly, abusers such as extreme (malignant) narcissists engage in this push-pull dynamic in their intimate relationships.
A fear of intimacy can prevent you from allowing people to become close — emotionally isolating you to avoid feeling hurt. The fear of abandonment can do the opposite.