Learning how to practice self acceptance and self-forgiveness is not always easy, largely because it typically involves recognizing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Some view the act as a reminder of not being a perfect person. Others see it as a way to love yourself while accepting your imperfections.
Low self-esteem, being naturally self-critical, and growing up in an environment of criticism or abuse, for example, are things that can contribute to difficulty forgiving past mistakes. Some conditions may make you more likely to experience guilt and have a hard time forgiving yourself. For example: impostor syndrome.
Forgiveness is often defined as a deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution toward someone who you believe has wronged you. However, while you may be quite generous in your ability to forgive others, you may be much harder on yourself.
Some people find self-forgiveness hard because they do not permit it and continue wanting to suffer in remorse. They may interpret it as condoning themselves and allowing future hurtful acts. Self-forgiveness is also not the nature of narcissists and idealists, as they refuse to admit they have made mistakes.
Self-Forgiveness Defined
Forgiveness, whether of someone else or yourself, can mean you accept actions and behaviors that occurred while willing to move forward. Forgiving yourself may mean letting go of the feelings and emotions associated with what went wrong.
Responsibility: Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion. Remorse: Use guilt and remorse as a gateway to positive behaviour change. Restoration: Make amends with whomever you're forgiving, even if it's yourself. Renewal: Learn from the experience and grow as a person.
Guilt and regret are both very powerful emotions that represent feelings of resentment and might lead to self-punishment. The lack of forgiveness is emotionally and physically damaging. When you have a hard time forgiving yourself it might lead to emotional, mental, and physical damage.
It feels selfish to forgive yourself
But in reality, it's definitely not. While it's true that in self-forgiveness, that empathy is offered to yourself and not others. But the principle stays the same. Empathy and compassion are always a good thing.
That's because we've been told to believe this lie and allow our fear to tell our brains that forgiveness means you can't uphold your authority and let people walk all over you. But forgiveness isn't a lack of control or a sign of managerial – or human - weakness. It's a sign of strength.
This means that the strong correlation for self and forgiveness increases with age. The older adults consider themselves to be more forgiving than the younger ones.
A wound may heal, but you'll always be left with a scar.
Try these strategies to help you forgive yourself and move forward: Be honest with yourself and others about your error and hold yourself accountable. Reflect on the mistake that you've been unable to get over. Clearly identify what you did or didn't do, and own up to it instead of trying to justify your actions.
There's no greater tell of our lack of self-forgiveness than our self-neglect, including accepting crumbs and unacceptable treatment from others. It also includes thoughts of being not good enough and not deserving enough. We only behave and think in these ways because of a lack of self-forgiveness.
Improves emotional and mental health
When we are compassionate with ourselves, we relieve the internal pressure of these negative emotions. Stanford University researchers write that “those who practice self-forgiveness have better mental and emotional well-being, more positive attitudes and healthier relationships.”
“Try to minimize negative self-talk. Dwelling on situations and making yourself feel worse about it will halt any progress in forgiving yourself,” she says. Instead, acknowledge and accept any mistakes without putting yourself down. “Reframe what happened and think of it as a learning experience.
Forgiveness can be good for your health, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to do it and it doesn't mean it it's the only way to heal. In fact, it is completely possible to move on or heal from trauma without forgiving someone. Forcing yourself to forgive can be even more harmful. Forgiveness is not justice.
According to Matthew 6:14-15, a person who doesn't forgive others will not be forgiven by God. In the verses, Jesus states: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Unforgiveness will imprison you in your past.
Unforgiveness never lets that wound heal, and you go through life reminding yourself of what was done to you, stirring up that pain and making yourself progressively angrier. You go through life accumulating bad feelings.
In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction." Also in this book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.