Usually foisted upon loved ones, close friends, or unsuspecting acquaintances, trauma dumping can be a problematic red flag for many, setting off alarm bells that a connection is taking on a toxic edge.
There can be times when trauma dumping becomes more than just uncomfortable. In fact, it could actually push people away. “The harm in trauma dumping is that it often crosses the listener's boundaries. It can also negatively impact their mental health by increasing their anxiety and stress levels,” says Dr.
Most of the time, trauma dumping is not purposefully abusive or manipulative. It's more common for a dumper to be so involved in talking about their traumatic experience that they are unaware of how their story is impacting their listeners.
Sharing trauma without permission, in an inappropriate place and time, to someone who may not have the capacity to process it. That's trauma dumping. It's become so commonplace on social media, our kids may have come to accept it as normal. It's not.
Trauma dumping isn't necessarily abusive, although it can cross the line into emotional abuse when someone uses it on purpose to exert power over you. Meanwhile, someone sharing trauma without considering how it affects you may feel unpleasant to be around, but they aren't actively seeking to control or manipulate.
“Trauma dumping without warning or permission can have a toxic and adverse effect on relationships,” explains Fraser. “Sharing deeply personal information can be very uncomfortable for the listener and leave them unsure how to respond. It can also trigger their own trauma, without allowing them space to navigate it.”
When you trauma dump, you're: Doing it without warning or checking in with the other person first. Taking up a lot of their time and overwhelming them with information. Not open to their feedback or perspective on the situation — just their sympathy.
Focus on non-judgmental, compassionate responses which help reduce shame. You might say “I'm so sorry you had to experience that,” or “you didn't deserve that, and you deserve support now,” or “I want you to know you're not alone,” or “you did what you have to do to survive.”
Emotional dumping is a toxic form of venting. When you emotionally dump you are unaware of both your own emotional state and the state of the listener. Emotional dumping does not include the consent of the listener and ignores containment within time, topic, and objective.
Venting vs Trauma Dumping
Venting involves someone opening up about something that's bothering them, but doing so in ways that are respectful to the person listening. Trauma dumping doesn't involve boundaries to protect the time, feelings, or needs of the person on the receiving end.
They want to help but can't because the purpose of trauma dumping is to discharge emotions and not to work through issues. Or they feel resentful and drained by the emotional "bombing" and their inability to escape it. Friendships and partnerships thrive on reciprocity—which is mutual sharing, giving, and taking.
If you're the one getting dumped on, Becker suggests validating the person's feelings and showing empathy, but telling them you do not feel comfortable being in the conversation. “[Then offer] to help them secure the more helpful person or professional to talk to about this,” she says.
Initial reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion, physical arousal, and blunted affect. Most responses are normal in that they affect most survivors and are socially acceptable, psychologically effective, and self-limited.
Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying. You should also be wary of a partner who frequently criticizes you or puts you down. Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn't be one-sided.
If you're the one getting dumped on, Becker suggests validating the person's feelings and showing empathy, but telling them you do not feel comfortable being in the conversation. “[Then offer] to help them secure the more helpful person or professional to talk to about this,” she says.
Fawning is a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety. In other words, the fawn trauma response is a type of coping mechanism that survivors of complex trauma adopt to "appease" their abusers.
Signs of Emotional Dumping
You feel like your conversations are always one-sided. You feel like your friend or loved one does not listen to you or take your advice. Your feelings are ignored despite being communicated. You feel more like a therapist than a friend or member of the family.
In most cases, this clutter is directly linked to traumatic events. Clutter could stem from the fear of letting go. This would be especially the case if a person grew up during or shortly after a time of war when people did not have much and had to use everything they had until it fell apart.
Going through a breakup can be traumatic. Similar to other traumas, like the death of a loved one, breakups can cause overwhelming and long-lasting grief.
According to Orloff, most people on the receiving end of trauma dumping will feel anxious, stressed, helpless and even depressed after the conversation. "People may feel better after trauma dumping, but the person they dump it onto feels horrible," she says.
Research has shown that traumatic experiences are associated with both behavioral health and chronic physical health conditions, especially those traumatic events that occur during childhood. Substance use, mental health conditions, and other risky behaviors have been linked with traumatic experiences.