Contact the bereaved person as soon as possible after their loved one's death. This contact could be a personal visit, telephone call, text message, sympathy card or flowers. Attend the funeral or memorial service if you can. They need to know that you care enough to support them through this difficult event.
If you are a close friend or relative: Call or text immediately, find a time to visit the bereaved at home, and continue to stay in touch on a daily basis. If you are a casual friend or extended friend: Send an email or text immediately and follow up after the funeral.
Affirm what they've said by repeating to them what they just described their feelings to be. This reassures them that you're listening and you understand how they're feeling. You can say things like, "I know this is hard for you, and that it's difficult to digest," or, "Take your time, I'm here for you."
Don't be afraid to ask questions as it allows your friend to talk about their loved one openly. If you're not sure what to ask or how, some grief discussion questions can help guide the way. Check in on your friend's self-care, such as how they are sleeping and if they are getting enough to eat.
Check in every now and then just to say hello (you may find it helpful to put reminders on your calendar). Most bereaved people find it difficult to reach out and need others to take the initiative.
Focus on listening.
Try to respect what the bereaved person is choosing to share with you and focus on listening rather than finding out more. Give the bereaved person space to open up if they want to, while also being sensitive if they would rather not take it further.
Saying "How are you doing?" gives them a chance to talk about it if they want to. If you know the person quite well, you could ask them directly, "Would you like to talk about it?". Let them know you're happy to listen to any feelings they want to share.
Let them know you're thinking of them.
Or they might not want to let their feelings out around others. But you can help them feel supported while respecting their need for space. One way to help a grieving friend feel less alone is to simply remind them that you care. Ask how they are doing today.
This one is fairly straightforward: Unless they ask you for advice, just don't give any. Unsolicited advice like “You should get out more,” or “Exercise will help,” or “Try to stay positive” can make someone feel judged for their normal reaction to grief. Remember, they have to live through the pain in order to heal.
The Right Words of Comfort Someone Who Lost a Loved One
I'm sorry. I care about you. He/she/they will be dearly missed. He/she/they are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending the text can be done any time after you hear about the passing. Even if it has been a few days, if you are just learning about the death, it is appropriate to offer your condolences. One thing to know is to not be offended if your friend does not text you back.
When someone is sad, they often feel isolated and alone, but receiving a text message can remind them that they are not. A simple text can offer a small but meaningful gesture of love and care, which can help to lift their spirits and provide a much-needed distraction from their struggles.
Talking allows people to express and understand their feelings to learn to cope with them eventually. It's also an avenue to resolve underlying issues associated with losing a loved one, like feelings of guilt, anger, and longing.
Make the first move. Since not every one of your friends will be lining up to see how they can help you, you might be the one needing to pick up the phone and asking them for advice on how to get through the challenges of grief. Call or text to ask for help and support when you need it.
It's natural to feel unsure of what to say. The most crucial thing to know when you text condolences is that there are no perfect words that will heal a grieving person. However, if you can send a comforting text with words that offer your sympathy with genuine care, your message will matter!
It's normal to have feelings like rage, guilt and frustration. Grief and loss often bring up difficult feelings. You might feel angry, lose motivation to do things you enjoy or find yourself pushing people away.
Solitude in grief is both necessary and healing. If you are someone who avoids solitude, however, through constant distraction, busyness, or attachment to others, you may be avoiding your normal, necessary pain.
A good ending to any expression of condolences is to let them know you respect their privacy and understand if they need space. Tell them you don't expect a quick response or even a response at all. Everyone processes grief differently, and responding to condolence messages may be too much for them.
For example, it's normal to feel despair about a death or a job loss yet also feel relief. It's important that you find some way of expressing your grief. Talking, writing, creating art or music, or being physically active are all ways of expressing grief.
One way to do this is to simply express your condolences and tell them that you are sorry for their loss. You can also offer to help with anything they may need, whether it is running errands or just being there to listen. It is also important to give the person time to grieve in their own way and at their own pace.
Contact the bereaved person as soon as possible after their loved one's death. This contact could be a personal visit, telephone call, text message, sympathy card or flowers. Attend the funeral or memorial service if you can. They need to know that you care enough to support them through this difficult event.