Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don't point out how you feel that they're wrong, try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they're saying is totally irrational.
People with BPD may feel a great deal of anger and may make heavy insults in a fit of rage to loved ones. Although it is unfair to listen and get hurt, arguing suggests that you believe the other person's anger is uncalled-for and this will lead to greater rage.
They may kick and scream and say 'I hate you', like a five-year-old who doesn't know what to say or do. It might be hard to be the bigger person if you feel you have been treated unfairly, but try to see the wounded inner child in them. They are crying inside when they are screaming at you.
In this instance, the person with BPD will seek out a persecutor or rescuer to validate their experience of victimization. If this role is tested, they may react with hypersensitive feelings of shock, rage, anger, and mistrust.
Once upset, borderline people are often unable to think straight or calm themselves in a healthy way. They may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways. This emotional volatility can cause turmoil in their relationships and stress for family members, partners, and friends.
Conflict is never fun, but when you have borderline personality disorder, the sense of pain or rejection from confrontation can seem heightened.
Often, the person with BPD will react towards loved ones as if they were the abusers from their past, and take out vengeance and anger towards them. When the person with BPD feels abandoned, they can become abusive or controlling as a way to defend against feelings of abandonment or feeling unworthy.
Separations, disagreements, and rejections—real or perceived—are the most common triggers for symptoms. A person with BPD is highly sensitive to abandonment and being alone, which brings about intense feelings of anger, fear, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, and very impulsive decisions.
Acknowledge their feelings, but express that you feel disrespected, upset, or overwhelmed by their current behavior. You should never ignore or stonewall anyone, but saying no (in a respectful manner) is perfectly acceptable and sometimes necessary.
People who have BPD often have tremendous issues with anger — both expressing it and being the recipient of it. They will often go to extreme lengths to make people happy in order to avoid having people get angry at them. The flip side of that is that they themselves can go into a drop dead rage at the drop of a hat.
It is believed that BPD individuals have a predisposition to emotional dysregulation, impulsive behaviors, and reacting aggressively to perceived upsetting situations without any foresight of potential negative implications. They also struggle with an inability to control their overactive urges.
Relationships are an ongoing challenge and frequently a source of pain for someone with BPD because they're eager for connection but they're also terrified of having others abandon them. They may be demanding of their partner's time and attention, which can trigger resistance or resentment from the partner.
Self-Protection: Individuals with BPD may use hurtful words as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from perceived threats or emotional pain. By pushing others away, they may believe they are preventing further harm or rejection.
The actions of people who have BPD can indeed feel manipulative. However, the word 'manipulative', with its pejorative suggestions of malicious scheming, does not capture the true nature of BPD-spurred behavior.
Anger that is intense, uncontrolled, or inappropriate can be a devastating symptom for someone struggling with borderline personality disorder. They may be driven by a desire to be connected to others, yet loss of emotional control frequently drives others away. In some cases, the level of rage can lead to violence.
Fears like “Will my husband abandon me?” or “Do my friends actually like me, or do they just tolerate me?” can plague people with BPD to the point that it disrupts daily functioning. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Borderline personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age.
Relationships. Relationships are one of the most common triggers for people with BPD. People with the disorder tend to experience a higher than usual sensitivity to being abandoned by their loved ones. This leads to feelings of intense fear and anger.
Is narcissism a symptom of BPD? Narcissism is not a symptom of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, as many as 40% of people with BPD may also have narcissistic personality disorder,4 so people with BPD may also show signs of narcissism.
How Selfishness Manifests in Borderline Personality Disorder. According to HealthyPlace, selfishness in the case of BPD arises from unmet needs: People with a borderline personality often report being neglected or abused as children. Consequently, they feel empty, angry, and deserving of nurturing.
“People with BPD lie often, but it is not because they are pathological liars,” says Nikki Instone, Ph. D. “Lying is not a symptom of the disorder so much as a consequence of their internal battle.” Lying is really rooted in emotional dysregulation, which is one of the main symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
People who have BPD tend to view others in all-or-nothing, black-and-white terms. This self-protective defense mechanism aims to help people with BPD protect themselves from getting hurt in relationships.
They often feel unloved and unwelcome, and, because of a poor self-image, think badly of themselves whenever something goes wrong. BPD also causes impulsive behaviors and a lack of self-control. Upon feeling abandoned, individuals with BPD may engage in risky behavior, such as gambling or unprotected sex.