”I Want to Share how I Feel” Using “I” statements is always best, as it keeps blame off of others and makes you the owner of how you feel. Sharing how you feel can humanize the interaction, and though the narcissist may not care, it's possible they will ease off if they feel you are interpreting yourself as a victim.
Narcissists don't know they're hurting you. It doesn't even enter their minds. And, if you try to tell them how you feel, they get defensive and make you feel you're wrong again. In fact, they'll even rather “innocently” tell you: “I'm only trying to help you.”
Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and licensed therapist, wants anyone who is in a narcissistic relationship to stop saying one phrase: "You make me feel." It's a way of expressing yourself that has many permutations, like 'when you say that, you make me feel guilty,' or 'when you do that, you make me feel angry.
They can't fully understand how you feel or why you would want them to do something for you, so don't waste time trying to explain yourself. Instead, tell them how it'll reward them or make them look good. If you can convince them that the outcome you want is their idea, that's even better.
Engaging in any type of explanation of your decisions or actions is not effective with the narcissist. He or she is not capable of trying to see any other perspective than the one they hold to be true. They are incapable of seeing their own bad behaviors, and it is simply easier to blame you.
So when they encounter a piece of information about narcissism they immediately might feel exposed, ashamed, betrayed, or attacked. Moreover, they often take things very personally and think that everything is about them. So they might feel that the author is talking about them personally or calling them out.
Set clear boundaries and stick to them, even if it means saying no or upsetting the narcissist. Avoid engaging in power struggles or trying to change them. Focus on your own self-care and well-being and seek support from others. Don't take their behavior personally or try to internalize their criticism or insults.
Simply put, narcissists hate being ignored. They probably want to make you feel ashamed, regretful, and rattled. They want to be in control and will go to any length to keep feeling empowered. It's critical to understand that a narcissist will not leave you alone the first time you ignore them.
The real reason why simply confronting a narcissist and calling them out for their behavior won't work is simple: they're not actually listening to you. If they truly are a narcissist, they have never been listening, and are especially unlikely to take any criticism or feedback on board.
The most effective weapon to fend off narcissists is self-love. When you love yourself, it is more difficult for the narcissist to manipulate you and get under your skin. It will hurt them to know that you do not need them, that you are better off without them, and that you love yourself exactly as you are.
They Face a Setback, Disappointment, or Conflict
A narcissist can become easily enraged if a setback occurs in their life, job, or relationship. Not getting their way results in both a loss of control and a bruised ego.
They can know they're hurting your feelings, but as long as it elevates their status, they may not care. Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness. These emotions, however, don't often have roots in empathy.
They're often introverted, sensitive, and prone to experiencing anxiety and shame. They may also struggle to maintain close friendships as they focus heavily on themselves, require attention, and are hyper-sensitive to perceived criticism.
Stop complimenting them, don't be submissive or agreeable, and don't do anything for them that could be seen as ego-boosting. When you do this, the narcissist has no further use for you and will either discard you or do everything in their power to pull you back into the supply-providing role.
Nine times out of ten, the best response is not to respond at all. But if you have to reply, the goal is to do so in a way that makes them see you differently. Right now, they see you as a source of narcissistic supply, someone they can rile up or rely on for attention (negative or positive).
The silent treatment, while sometimes seemingly harmless when talking about it, can be a highly damaging and effective form of manipulation, coercion, and control used by toxic people. It is common, even though many victims feel alone and like they cant talk about it because no one will believe them or understand.
The best way to shut down a narcissist is to walk away from them. If all else fails, you can physically remove yourself from the conversation. Even if they keep talking, simply turn around and walk away. If they follow you, close the door.
Essentially, the narcissistic person's message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.
They view people who express these feelings as being weak, and beneath them. If a narcissistic person does express these emotions, they are typically faking, most likely as a ploy to get something from you.