Ultimately, who someone has dated in the past shouldn't affect your future — unless you let it, which can be all too easy.
Sometimes people just grow apart or want other things out of life. Because of that, there's no reason for you to worry about your partner's previous long-term relationship. "Life can't be lived comparing yourself to someone else," Branson says. "You can't be successful based on what someone else has done.
“Feeling jealous about your partner's past is a common experience for many people,” explains Miner. “When jealousy is intense, it can make you feel like you are losing control of your emotions and you may even act out in destructive ways.”
Many relationships experts believe communicating about your past love experiences are beneficial for both parties to learn more about each other, grow together, and even strengthen the current relationship.
There's no hard rule about what you should share with your partner when it comes to exes or your past. Consider how they might react. "Everyone has different triggers in relationships and it's important to know them, not necessarily test them," Trescott says.
Whether real or imagined, people tend to experience retroactive jealousy when they feel threatened in the relationship and don't feel fully secure with their partner. This could come internally from one's own insecurities or externally if their partner is withdrawing from them or being untrustworthy.
“It's natural to be curious about your partner's sexual past, but it's important to approach the conversation with respect and an open mind. But if you're constantly thinking about your partner's past sexual history, it can lead to unhealthy comparisons and jealousy and put pressure on both of you.”
We all get jealous sometimes—but worrying obsessively over your significant other's sexual and romantic history is known as retroactive jealousy, an unhealthy relationship habit. Retroactive jealousy can be triggered if you have an anxious attachment style, bad experiences with past partners, or even childhood trauma.
It's natural to experience some jealousy when in a romantic relationship. But if your jealousy over your partner's past relationships impacts your mental health or interferes with your relationship, discuss this with a mental health professional.
One report says the ideal number of sexual partners for maximizing happiness is one a year. The other found three partners to be the ideal. Men in their 20s consider seven or more partners “too high” for a woman; women in the same age group are more lenient, considering ten or more partners to have too high.
There are many ways a person can free themselves from feelings of retroactive jealousy. You can engage in your own personal work and self-reflection with activities like journaling and meditation. However, if you need additional support a therapist could help.
When it comes to talking about past traumas with a partner, it's important to be honest and open. However, it's also important to be aware of how your trauma may be impacting your relationship. Trauma can often lead to feelings of isolation, mistrust, and anxiety.
However, it is often considered a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or an OCD-related disorder. While retroactive jealousy is not considered a standalone mental disorder, it can be a significant source of distress and may require professional help to manage.
Another reason for your jealousy could come from how you and your partner began your relationship in the first place. Maybe one or both of you were in a relationship when you found each other, or your partner is someone who was initially "off-limits" to you, like a friend's ex.
According to James Tobin, Ph. D., “love scars” are the painful emotions, memories, regrets, and unresolved trauma left behind from ex-relationships. Typically, people who experience love scars find it difficult to move past old relationships and may feel hesitant to engage in emotional intimacy with new partners.
People who are more inclined to idealize their partner and want a “perfect” relationship may also experience retroactive jealousy. Meaning, someone who can't accept that their S.O. is flawed may fall into a cycle of obsessing over their partner's past, says Gabb.
Past trauma
If you've experienced emotional abuse or betrayal from past relationships, that can start to taint your view of future relationships if the trauma goes unchecked. This is where jealousy can rear its head and feed into those feelings, by making you feel anxious or afraid of losing the person you're with now.
There is nothing wrong with that. Once you share your feelings with him, he will be intrigued and appreciate that you care for him enough that you are jealous. Note that if you speak with him openly, he should not have a tendency to attack you by saying something like, "You are jealous."
We all know that the number of people your partner has slept with shouldn't make a difference to your current relationship - after all it is ancient history. But you should be mindful of your own feelings towards casual sex, 'promiscuous' behaviour, or lack thereof, before you go digging around for information.