Covert narcissism may develop as a result of traumatic experiences during childhood, such as neglect, emotional abuse, or abandonment. Children who grow up in environments where their emotional needs are not met may develop coping mechanisms that involve manipulating others to meet their needs.
Excessive parental criticism: Some people raised by overly critical or narcissistic parents can become covert narcissists in adulthood. The child lacks the self-esteem or parental love needed to develop emotionally stable adulthood.
Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.
Covert narcissistic parents exert ongoing control by offering the child the validation, attention, praise, and gifts they crave, creating a confusing I love you/I hate you dynamic.
Narcissism is a learned behavior in some cases. Narcissism can be transferred in generations, so sometimes, it can be an inherited behavior. Child abuse can also create Narcissists. Abuse can convert an average child into a Covert Narcissist.
So do covert narcissists know what they are doing? While they may be aware on some level that their behaviors have a negative impact on other people, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight.
Covert narcissists may not be aware of their toxic behaviors or they may not know their behavior is stemming from a personality disorder. This isn't an excuse for acting in hurtful ways, but it is something to keep in mind when dealing with a narcissist.
The tragic reality is that narcissists don't (and can't) love their children in the way that ordinary people do. They will tell you that they do (and most likely they will believe that they do), but their love can only be of the transactional, conditional type, even with their children.
As narcissists age, they tend to become more demanding and less patient. Their entitled behavior escalates, and they expect the people around them to cater to their needs. Their lack of empathy also become more pronounced.
Children of covert narcissistic parents often experience emotional abuse and neglect. The parent may be emotionally unavailable or dismissive, leaving the child feeling unloved and unsupported. This can have long-lasting effects on the child's emotional well-being and self-esteem.
Covert narcissists often live in constant fear that everything and everyone they own will be taken away from them one day. So, they try to make the people who love them, depend solely on them. They lack trust in others and are plagued by feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
Narcissistic personality disorder is not curable, but it is treatable.
Use Self-Deprecating Tactics
Among many other things covert narcissists do, a hallmark of their eccentricity is using false humility or self-deprecating comments to garner people's attention and seek validation. They trivialize their skills and accomplishments, so people reassure them or shower them with praise.
The four stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle are: Idealization, Devaluation, Repetition, and Discard. In this cycle, a narcissistic partner may love-bomb you, devalue your sense of self over time, repeat the pattern, and eventually, discard you and/or the relationship.
On the outside, a person with covert narcissism will seem quiet, meek, and self-critical. However, on the inside, they feel an intense sense of specialness. Despite their jealousy, envy, and apparent shyness, covert narcissists will believe they are better than everyone else.
It's important to remember that a narcissist can change if they are genuinely dedicated and open to growth. Some individuals may have more insight into their behaviors and have a greater desire to change. Unfortunately, research on if (and how) narcissists change is limited.
Unlike most types of narcissists who often come across as confident and grandiose, covert narcissists tend to be more insecure and self-effacing. "They don't generally feel good about themselves at all and agree with statements like 'I feel I'm temperamentally different from most people,'" Malkin says.
Because in a narcissistic relationship we have taken on so many of the other person's struggles and so much of their identity as our own, we may feel like we'd be giving up part of ourselves if we were to leave them. If they have become the center of our world, we may then feel lost without them.
This is part of the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder. The tendency to have low introspection combined with an exaggerated sense of superiority may leave them unable to see the situation in a way that doesn't fit their worldview. As a result, they may “play the victim role” in some scenarios.
Many spouses of covert narcissists admit to feeling lonely or alienated during their divorce. Their friends and family members have a hard time seeing the narcissist's true nature, which means the non-narcissist spouse often ends up feeling unsupported during this difficult time.
Narcissists do get worse as they get older. With age comes a lack of independence and narcissistic supply. So, aging narcissists tend to become the extreme versions of their worst selves. They don't develop a late-onset self-awareness, they just become more abusive, manipulative, hypersensitive, rageful, and entitled.
“Covert narcissist” describes a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does not display the grandiose sense of self-importance that psychologists associate with the condition.
Covert narcissists may be more likely to engage in aggressive behaviors because of their tendency to interiorize their pain and resentment. This could lead them to act out suddenly and unexpectedly in some situations.
Narcissists often look for victims who struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem. People who think less of themselves and struggle with the “I am not enough” mindset tend to attract toxic partners. People with self-esteem issues tend to think of themselves as imperfect or unlovable.