When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone's request for a favor, they say things like, “I don't want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them. People-pleasing can be a serious problem, and it's a hard habit to break.
Signs of people-pleasing
regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time. often overcommit to plans, responsibilities, or projects. avoid advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not. avoid disagreeing with people or voicing their honest opinion.
People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others.
People who like to please are frequently drawn to people who like to control others. Pleasers have certain personality characteristics that are developed in childhood. They are often perfectionists who were influenced by very demanding parental expectations and/or criticism.
If you don't want to do something, say 'no' and mean it. Instead of beating around the bush, use the actual word — again, 'no' isn't inherently rude or mean. It's honest, it's assertive, and it's the word you must be comfortable with in order to defend your time. True friends understand the need for space sometimes.
However, excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, have low self-esteem, difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
People-pleasing is not the same as genuine kindness; being kind is a form of self-expression. People-pleasing is a fundamentally dependent behavior and can backfire. However, helping others with the expectation of getting something back is a contract.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
But according to Sasha Heinz, PhD, a developmental psychologist and life coach, there's another price to people-pleasing: It's a form of manipulation. This doesn't mean we shouldn't be nice and helpful and friendly.
These people-pleaser personalities are often those who are generous with time and energy. They are loyal and conscientious. As such, they are givers. Often to an extreme.
A major people-pleaser may dodge your concerns, fabricate, and even gaslight you.
People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others' needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.
People-pleasers emit insecurity, a lack of confidence, and come across as weak and needy. And it's often patently obvious that someone is engaging in people-pleasing behavior.
Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don't value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
People pleasers are more likely to struggle with anger, which builds up and at some point must be released sometimes through angry outbursts; since the people in their lives had little warning about their building frustration, they can feel blind-sided and hurt by these emotional explosions.
We've all heard of the fight, flight, or freeze response in the face of trauma, but did you know that being a people pleaser can also be a trauma response? Fawning happens when an individual goes out of their way to make others feel comfortable at the expense of their own needs, in hopes of avoiding conflict.
Putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar. It sounds brutal, but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons: not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.
Your people-pleasing behaviors are primarily an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation. These fears don't actually diminish; they intensify as long as the avoidance pattern persists!
Being a people-pleaser is an extremely stressful and frequently painful way to live. Because no matter how much they give to others they don't ever get what they are truly seeking. The real solution comes from within. As a result, people-pleasers frequently suffer from depression, stress and anxiety.
Children of narcissistic families end up as people-pleasers
In this book, Golomb notes that one of the effects of growing up in a narcissistic environment is reaching adulthood as a people-pleaser. Narcissistic parents always put their needs before their children's.
While people pleasing or “being too nice” could be seen as a sign of someone who is a really good person and cares for others, their ability to bend backwards for other people, not say no and struggle to have boundaries with others can actually be a big red flag and cause issues in a relationship in the long term if ...
Behind closed doors, people pleasers don't benefit from their choices as much as their companions and privately struggle with feelings of loneliness and depression. Selfless to a fault, they never learned to balance their own needs with the needs of others.
People-pleasers often have low self esteem because they may ignore their own needs to help others. According to Black and Pearlman (1997), this can result in anxiety, frustration and depression. To build self esteem, people-pleasers need to restore the balance between self care and helping others.
It is a natural human instinct to want to please others and to present oneself at one's best. It is, in fact, a very positive quality to consider others' feelings and be emotionally intelligent.