Jamie Schenk DeWitt, a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles told Newsweek: "A gaslighting apology is a conditional apology that makes the person apologizing appear as if they are sincerely saying 'I am sorry,' but they aren't taking any responsibility for hurting you.
“A gaslighter will often make you beg for their forgiveness and apologize profusely for any 'wrong' you committed, even if it's something they did,” Stern says. Sometimes you may not even know what you're apologizing for, other than they're upset and it's your responsibility to calm them down.
What does gaslighting sound like? “You know you sound insane right now, right?” “Nothing you're saying makes sense, do you even hear yourself?” “That never even happened.” “This is what happened…” or “this is what I said…”
For example, instead of accepting responsibility and saying, “I'm sorry I offended you”, people blame-shift by saying something like: “I'm sorry it offended you.” (“My action offended you, not me.”) “I'm sorry you got offended.” (“You shouldn't have been offended.”)
5. You're the only one apologising. Toxic people will never apologise for their words and actions because they can't see anything wrong with them. They feel that they are the victim and will often twist and retell what happened to such an extent that they honestly can't see an alternative perspective.
“I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you're just too sensitive.” These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem. "I am sorry if something I said offended you.”
According to Psychology Today, gaslighting typically begins gradually, with a snide comment or critical remark disguised as a joke. The gaslighter may then deny having said or done something, tell blatant lies and eventually project his or her bad behavior or traits on you.
If people make statements in the context of an argument in which they are trying to explain their point of view, or if these statements are made over the course of legal proceedings or formal hearings, then they may be viewed as someone defending themselves, not intentionally attempting to gaslight.
The best way to respond to gaslighting is to withdraw yourself from the situation. This shows the gaslighter that they can't control you. Set boundaries by telling the gaslighter what behaviors you won't tolerate and how you will respond. Then, follow through on your threats.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
Narcissists may use a blame-shifting apology, where they apologize but then shift the blame onto the other person. For example, they may say, “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry.” This type of apology does not take responsibility for their actions and places the blame on the other person.
If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.
His gaslighting was a deliberate attempt to convince her that she was losing her grasp on reality. Gaslighting is the process of causing someone to doubt their own thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. Her father used a gaslighting tactic when he declared that she must have imagined the entire episode.
Red Flag 1: You're doubting your own truth. Red Flag 2: You're questioning yourself excessively. Red Flag 3: You're feeling confused. Red Flag 4: You're frequently thinking you must be perceiving things incorrectly.
'Gaslighting'
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the gaslighter uses psychological manipulation to undermine the gaslightee, causing the person to question themselves and their reality. The gaslighter's need for control and power in a relationship is a key component of gaslighting.
But there are also cases where gaslighters act in a way that makes people question their version of reality that affects their self-esteem and disempowers them, even if it wasn't the intention. Without being aware of it, you could potentially gaslight others and not even know.
Speaking in Absolutes. Saying things such as “you always,” or “we never” are examples of absolute statements. Nobody will always be one way or another, so this is often said as an exaggeration out of frustration. While unintentional, it is a mild form of gaslighting.
Though some people may not realize the damage their behavior is causing, if they aren't willing to hear your requests for change and attempt to make these changes, end the relationship before it goes any further. Remember that gaslighters have fragile egos, little self-esteem, and are inherently weak.
The opposite of gaslighting is critical thinking, not validation or deference or coddling.
Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting
They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
The Empty Apology.
It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it.
We believe all strong apologies contain the “four Rs” of recognition, responsibility, remorse, and redress.