Key points. A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize damages her children's healthy psychological development. A narcissistic mother may try to shape her daughter into a version of herself, or her idealized self, through direction and criticism.
Feeling valued for how you're perceived (not who you are)
A mother with narcissistic tendencies is typically overly concerned with her daughter's appearance and achievements and how they reflect back on her, says Lis. As a result, the daughter doesn't learn to be her authentic self.
The psychological effects of a narcissistic mother on her daughter can be long-lasting. The daughter may struggle with trust issues, abandonment issues, and self-esteem issues. She may also find it difficult to form healthy relationships due to the emotional manipulation she experienced from her mother.
According to Dr. Malkin, there are three basic types of narcissistic parents — classic (extroverted), covert (introverted) and communal. It's important to understand these different types so you can better understand (and heal) from your experience growing up.
A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
“You are overreacting.” “No one will ever love you with that attitude.” “You have an awful personality and can never do anything right.” “Everyone agrees that you're probably the worst person to go out with.”
A narcissistic mother may feel entitled or self-important, seek admiration from others, believe she is above others, lack empathy, exploit her children, put others down, experience hypersensitivity to criticism, believe she deserves special treatment, and worst of all, maybe naïve to the damage she is causing.
Narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters both as threats and as annexed to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self.
Narcissistic parenting leaves you alone-and unable to trust. So later in life, you might experience emotional flashbacks and get triggered into intense feelings of anger, fear, shame and helpless depression.
Narcissists also gaslight or practice master manipulation, weakening and destabilizing their victims; finally, they utilize positive and negative emotions or moments to trick others. When a narcissist can't control you, they'll likely feel threatened, react with anger, and they might even start threatening you.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be difficult. The children of a narcissist are often children who grow up to be codependent, people-pleasers, and have low self-esteem. They may never feel good enough for their parents or themselves.
A narcissistic mother is often jealous of her daughter. Instead of nurturing and supporting her child, the narcissistic mother will compete with her. This is because she sees her daughter as a threat. The idea that her daughter might become more beautiful or successful than her is more than she can stand.
The Scapegoat is usually victim of emotional and physical abuse by the narcissistic parent. The Lost Child is usually known as “the quiet one” or “the dreamer”. The Lost Child is the invisible child. They try to escape the family situation by making themselves very small and quiet.
The literature on the development of Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) is replete with evidence of early childhood neglect and trauma. It is now well established that chronic invalidation, criticism, and abuse by parents in early childhood are significant risk factors for NPD development.
In a way, they know they're plotting and scheming, but they lack self-awareness and empathy, so they can't genuinely assess the morals of what they're doing. They have no moral center, and their ethics are situational.
At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.
It's a phenomenon called the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle is broken down into three important phases: idealization, devaluation, and rejection. By understanding these key points, people who are struggling with narcissism or those who are in a relationship with a narcissist can get the help they need.
The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home.
The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four typesoverlap, sometimes not) that is a favorite tactic of narcissists, and especially thosewho have a hard time with impulse control, that is, those with more infantile tendencies.
Recent studies confirm that narcissistic parents are incapable of truly loving others, even their own children.
Arguing with a narcissist can be extremely difficult — people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) feel very little empathy for others and are often manipulative. They may use tactics like turning the blame on you, gaslighting you, and resorting to disrespectful behavor.
Narcissists can be grandiose when it comes to self-serving, unnecessary spending (i.e., buying a designer watch they can't afford), but skimp on the essentials (i.e., food, health expenses, basic household items).