Shame is a necessary human emotion that helps us develop a moral compass, but it can become destructive in our lives. It can lead us to believe that we have to be perfect or else we are not lovable. It can lead us to withdraw from others. It can lead us to be defensive and distant.
When we feel shame, we are digging into those feelings of unworthiness and placing them at the forefront of our lives. Living a life of shame creates a self-defeating cycle of behaviors, physical health problems, and often leads to psychological disorders such as: Anxiety. Depression.
Shame makes us feel like we're not good enough, and all we want to do is hide away. Anger. Because you feel emotional pain, you become angry to try to aim your pain away from yourself.
Shame is one of the more painful emotions because it arises when those most foundational of human needs, the need to feel safe and the need to belong, remain unmet.
The four poles of the Compass of Shame: Withdrawal (hiding), Attack Self (deference), Avoidance (look where I want you to look) and Attack Other (put down).
Shame can stem from a person's own poor choices or harmful behavior. Other times unfortunate circumstances—such as poverty or chronic physical illness—plant seeds of shame. However, shame is much more than an uncomfortable feeling or a response to a humiliating event.
Two key areas of the brain are activated by shame: the prefrontal cortex and the posterior insula. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain associated with moral reasoning. This is where judgements about the self occur. The posterior insula is the part of the brain that engages visceral sensations in the body.
Acknowledge your feelings and experiences, show yourself some compassion for being human, and let shame go. There's no need to hold onto it and punish yourself. Ask yourself: Would you tell your best friend that he or she is flawed?
Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.
Shame is a debilitating feeling that takes over the mind and body. It can make you feel small and incomplete while building walls around you to keep out compassion. Despite wanting to be seen and known, shame causes people to hide behind masks instead.
Zooming out, shame is particularly difficult to overcome because “it causes people to feel as if they're flawed at their core,” says June P. Tangney, PhD, a professor of psychology at George Mason University and author of Shame and Guilt: Emotions and Social Behavior.
Shame is a key emotion in human experience, shaping perceptions of oneself and others, serving as a cornerstone for sense of self and attachment with others, central to core aspects of basic behavior and decision-making.
Shame can dramatically influence your sense of self. When you grew up feeling like you're less important or less worthy, you might struggle with low self-esteem as an adult. Even if you recognize that your childhood trauma was not your fault, the shame lingers on.
Certain types of trauma have been associated with greater feelings of shame, including sexual violence, childhood abuse or neglect, and intimate partner violence.
The first is that emotional or affective states, in particular shame, can have a significant impact on health, illness and health-related behaviours.
When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.
Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): CPT occurs over 12 sessions, during which a person talks about their trauma, works to understand how their trauma affects their emotions and behavior, and then implements strategies for controlling the effects of trauma, including shame.
The Bible tells us we should confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and believe He has cleansed us from our guilty conscience (Hebrews 10:22). Even when someone else is responsible for bringing you shame, the scriptures urge us not to be ashamed but to glorify God instead (1 Peter 4:16).
The unrealistic desire to be perfect is often a defense against shame. If we're perfect, no one can criticize us; no one can shame us. It has been said that a perfectionist is someone who can't stand making the same mistake once. We may be so shame-ridden, that we don't allow ourselves to have human imperfections.
Therapists can work with clients to identify the triggers for their feelings of shame and then provide strategies to cope with those triggers. For example, if a person has been struggling with substance abuse, they may learn how to manage their emotions better so that they aren't triggered by substances.
Shame is one of our most powerful emotions. In its positive form, it presents as humility. In its mildest incarnations, it's shyness or embarrassment. But shame.
Psychologists say that love is the strongest emotion. Humans experience a range of emotions from happiness to fear and anger with its strong dopamine response, but love is more profound, more intense, affecting behaviors, and life-changing.