When couples say they no longer feel a “spark,” it may mean that they're missing the initial feeling of infatuation or that long-term commitment has become challenging. Meeting your partner and falling in love may have felt exciting, new, and intense. You might have felt that it was the only factor in your life.
Is it normal to lose the spark in your relationship? Yes, it's common for long-term couples to start wondering how to keep a relationship alive. It isn't the loss of the spark in a relationship that is the problem – the problem arises when couples lack the commitment to rekindle the romance.
The spark is telling you whether or not you have chemistry. If you don't have it on the first date, it's not going to materialize on the second, third, or fourth. Doubling down on a lack of chemistry is only going to further reveal the feelings you don't have.
"It can take three to four dates to see if there's viable interest in your prospective partner," says Winter. Although many people consider love at first sight to be the holy grail of romantic experiences, making meaningful connections in real life can oftentimes be a little less epic.
INSIDER spoke to a relationship expert about the signs that can help you know when to break things off. If you're not feeling a spark, your loved ones hate them or you're emotionally cheating, it's probably time to end it.
A lack of chemistry in a relationship is predicated on a lack of connection, or the desire to connect. You can try to bring back lost chemistry through emotionally and physically connective activities, such as: A date night with activities you both enjoy.
Loss of spark is caused by anything that prevents coil voltage from jumping the electrode gap at the end of the spark plug. This includes worn, fouled or damaged spark plugs, bad plug wires or a cracked distributor cap.
“I loved going out with you yesterday, but I have to admit, I didn't really feel that spark.” Maybe the date was amazing. Maybe they were great company and you had a great time. Or maybe you appreciate all the time and effort they put into planning such a thoughtful date!
Three dates is a good rule of thumb.
This isn't a hard and fast rule, but let's say you spend two to three hours together on each date, with some emailing, texting, or phone time in between. That's a pretty fair amount of time together. If you're not feeling any sense of chemistry or attachment, it's OK to give up.
So if you're not getting that fluttery feeling in your stomach, that's a sign your new relationship may actually be the real thing. "A good match is somebody that makes you feel calm and comfortable," Goldstein said.
A good spark will be blue-white and will be plainly visible in daylight. If a good spark is present, the problem is probably not in the ignition system. Check the fuel system and/or stark timing. Weak sparks are orange or red and may be hard to see in daylight.
Also, chemistry does not always equate to love, which means you can still love a person even when you don't feel emotionally connected. You can love without chemistry, just like you love your friends, but may not feel emotionally attracted to them.
We can't force ourselves to be attracted to someone we're not attracted to, just because that person is good for us, it doesn't work, and if we try, it's going to put us and our partner through hell. We can't force our sexual attraction. Most of us have learned that the hard way.
“While physical attraction plays an important evolutionary role in reproduction, there's nothing to say that a lack of sexual attraction will negatively impact a relationship,” Backe explains.
Ultimately, it's best not to commit to a relationship with someone until you feel attracted to the person completely. That said, it's totally OK to date and see if connection and physical chemistry grow. Initial attraction is like the first chapter of a book. It's the start of a story.
Studies have shown that attraction can build over time, but it needs to be exercised like a muscle. Spend time thinking about the things you like and desire about this person, both physically and emotionally. Fantasies and feelings will grow and develop the more you focus your thoughts on these things.
The strength of the spark is revealed in the color. A red or yellow spark is weak and probably will not spark in the cylinder. A blue or white spark is strong and has enough voltage to fight across the spark plug gap even under pressure within the cylinder.
If the firing end of a spark plug is brown or light gray, the condition can be judged to be good and the spark plug is functioning optimally.
This feeling is what we usually call chemistry between people, or "the spark"—a twinkle in the eye, a skipped heartbeat, or flushed cheeks that indicate two people are truly connecting.
If there's too much air in the cylinders at the time of the spark, and not enough fuel, the spark won't be able to ignite all the fuel at once. Yet again, leftover fuel vapor will flow into the exhaust and could combust there in a backfire.