Growing up with a narcissistic mother leaves lasting impacts upon a daughter, including problems in relationships, low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, difficulty with emotions, and anxiety and depression.
The scapegoat is someone who must embody what the narcissistic parent cannot stand in themselves. By “finding” what they hate in themselves to be in the scapegoat child, the parent feels protected; this is the role of the scapegoat child.
The answer to this question is complicated. While it is true that daughters of narcissistic mothers are more likely to develop narcissistic traits than those whose mothers are not narcissists, it is not inevitable.
A golden child's sense of self and their personal boundaries are erased, as their own sense of identity is replaced with the need to live up to their role. Their behaviors and beliefs reflect what their parent expects of them, and they may feel incapable of individuation even in adulthood.
A mother with narcissistic tendencies is typically overly concerned with her daughter's appearance and achievements and how they reflect back on her, says Lis. As a result, the daughter doesn't learn to be her authentic self.
Neglectful. Narcissistic mothers often neglect their children emotionally and may not be there for them when they need emotional support. They may also neglect their children's basic needs such as food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. because they are too busy thinking about themselves and what they want.
They play favorites.
Narcissistic parents maintain their power by triangulating, or playing favorites. They may have a golden child who they compliment excessively, for example, while speaking badly about another child in the family.
Parents who are high in narcissism tend to assign roles to their children including "golden child," "scapegoat," and "lost child." A narcissist's "lost child" may be physically and emotionally neglected.
In an NPD family, The Lost Child just doesn't seem to matter to the narcissist, and avoids conflict by keeping a low profile. They are not perceived as a threat or a good source of supply, but they are usually victim of neglect and emotional abuse.
Narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters both as threats and as annexed to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self.
Narcissistic mothers will frequently criticize and belittle her children, often focusing on their perceived flaws or failures. She may be overly critical of her child's appearance, asking them to wear more make-up, change clothes, or lose weight.
She assumes that everyone is just an extension of herself, and therefore, she can control everyone else. She uses criticism, blame, and degrading insults to control her children. Insecurity, shame, and self-loathing are common feelings experienced by adult children whose mothers are narcissistic3.
The pain of being raised by a narcissistic mother can feel like death by a thousand paper cuts. It can be difficult to point to any one experience to convey the damage of chronic rejection, criticism, instability, and unrequited love.
That said, the six faces of maternal narcissism are identified as: the flamboyant-extrovert, the accomplishment-oriented, the psychosomatic, the addicted, the secretly mean, and the emotionally needy. A parent can be a mixture of these types and often that is the case.
According to Dr. Malkin, there are three basic types of narcissistic parents — classic (extroverted), covert (introverted) and communal. It's important to understand these different types so you can better understand (and heal) from your experience growing up.
The golden child is expected to be extraordinary at everything, not make mistakes, and essentially be “perfect.” Golden children are usually raised by narcissistic parents who are controlling and authoritarian.
Effects of Being Raised by Narcissists
Dr. Brunell says, “The child typically suffers from low psychological well-being, such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. They tend to try to please others and have poor ability to set boundaries or to say no to people's requests.
For many people, when their narcissistic parent dies, they feel an overwhelming sense of relief, at first. But as time goes on, they may feel a sense of numbness or apathy towards their parent's death because it feels so anticlimactic.
But children who were extremely melodramatic, and who also had parents that ignored or neglected them, spoiled them constantly, or insisted on perfection, were more likely to become narcissists in adulthood.
Golden Child Syndrome refers to a strict requirement to become perfect. For example, expecting a child to obtain high grades in school or do every house chore perfectly. Such kids are also considered role models within the family.
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.
Narcissists aren't always cruel. They can very often be kind, but this kindness almost always comes with conditions. The child will often come to understand that their parent's kindness leads them to feeling beholden to their parent.
A good parent helps their child develop a realistic sense of self by mirroring their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs. Narcissists can't be a good parent because they are incapable of having emotional closeness that good parenting requires.