In the adoption world, the primal wound is known as the trauma a child experiences by the separation from his/her mother (Verrier, 1993). It is a violation of attachment and the breach of an essential bond (Psychology Today Article). This wound has the potential to have profound impacts on one's life.
The primal wound theory holds that “severing the connection between the infant and biological mother [through adoption] causes a primal wound which often manifests in a sense of loss (depression), basic mistrust (anxiety), emotional and/or behavioral problems and difficulties in relationships with significant others…
Severing their connection, which began in the uterus, causes this wound. Allegedly, the wound often manifests itself in adoptees in depression, anxiety, mistrust, abandonment and loss issues, behavioral problems, emotional problems, and difficulties in relationships with significant others.
From infancy, we are hardwired to attach to a loving and responsive caregiver. Later on in life, this primal instinct drives us to seek a partner who can be a safe haven in this world. When our chosen partner becomes emotionally unresponsive, we feel isolated, insecure, and fearful.
The book posits that there is a "primal wound" that develops when a mother and child are separated by adoption shortly after childbirth. It describes the mother and child as having a vital connected relationship which is physical, psychological and physiological, and examines the effects of disrupting such bonds.
While every adoption story is different, one thing to remember is that there is no adoption without loss. Experts consider separation from birth parents – even as an infant – as a traumatic event. Therefore, every adopted child experiences early trauma in at least one form.
Adoptees are statistically known to be more at risk for mental health problems, both due to the initial trauma and genetics. Mental health issues may also be prevalent in biological parents,3 who have suffered their own traumas, which are then genetically passed on to the child.
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is rarer than the other attachment styles, typically occurring in about 7% of the population. It often develops in the first 18 months of life and is most prevalent in those who were abused or experienced trauma as a child.
Of the four patterns of attachment (secure, avoidant, resistant and disorganized), disorganized attachment in infancy and early childhood is recognized as a powerful predictor for serious psychopathology and maladjustment in children (2,18–24).
The term primal refers to the totality of representations produced at the very beginning of mental life before there is any differentiation between internal and external, psyche and soma.
Emotionally absent or cold mothers can be unresponsive to their children's needs. They may act distracted and uninterested during interactions, or they could actively reject any attempts of the child to get close. They may continue acting this way with adult children.
Natural Mom: Natural mother is the preferred term according to “Honest Adoption Language” (HAL), which was developed in 1993 by researcher Susan Wells. This was done in response to “Positive Adoption Language” to better reflect the experiences of women who surrender their children for adoption.
No matter their personal life story, every adoptee holds a certain degree of loss and grief in their hearts. It may come from different aspects of their adoption story: separation from birth parents, time spent in foster care, well-meaning-but-ignorant family and friends and more.
An “emotional wound” is a difficult, traumatizing or negative experience (or set of experiences) that causes you mental and psychological pain. This pain goes on and on, lasting weeks, months or even years, if the wound is deep enough.
The psychological consequences of having a wound may include stress, sleep disturbances, negative mood and social isolation. These outcomes may be a result of the physical effects of the wound, such as pain or high levels of exudate.
A secure attachment style is a healthy pattern of behavior in relationships, marked by the ability to trust others, comfortably lean into intimacy without fear of engulfment, and feel secure and at ease in relationships.
In plain language: Men often feel most loved by the women in their lives when their partners hug them, kiss them, smile at them, and explicitly offer gratitude, praise, and words of affection. Men also feel loved and connected through sexuality, often to a greater degree than women do.
The most difficult type of insecure attachment is the disorganized attachment style.
Known as disorganized attachment style in adulthood, the fearful avoidant attachment style is thought to be the most difficult. Sadly, this insecure attachment style is often seen in children that have experienced trauma or abuse.
In truth, the disorganized attachment style is considered to be the most difficult form of insecure attachment to manage – disorganized adults strongly desire love and acceptance but simultaneously fear that those closest to them will hurt them.
They may feel unwanted, which can result in them feeling unworthy of love in their future relationships. Fear of rejection: Some adoptees inherently fear that someone else will “reject” them, due to unresolved feelings about their birth parents' adoption decision.
Additionally, because adoptive parents are carefully screened, adoptive households tend to be more stable on average than those of biological parents. As a result, adopted children tend to be more social, self-giving, and willing to help strangers, just as their adoptive parents who raised them are.
Intimacy is frequently difficult for the adopted adult because they have such deeply rooted feelings of rejection, guilt or shame, and don't truly have an identity. Often people who have gone through these negative emotions subconsciously push others away to avoid experiencing another loss.