Enmeshment describes family relationships that lack boundaries such that roles and expectations are confused, parents are overly and inappropriately reliant on their children for support, and children are not allowed to become emotionally independent or separate from their parents.
The enmeshed mother acts like a clingy, scared child instead of an adult and she expects you to assure her that you will not abandon her. It is not your job to do this, you are not her parent, she is your parent and this fact will never change no matter the role she has forced you to take on.
The causes of enmeshment can vary. Sometimes there is an event or series of occurrences in a family's history that necessitates a parent becoming protective in their child's life, such as an illness, trauma, or significant social problems in elementary school.
Enmeshment occurs when the emotional boundary between mother and son is blurred, resulting in a relationship that is too close, too dependent, and ultimately unhealthy. It's important to recognize that there is an enmeshment before you can address it.
This can manifest in several ways. One common way toxic mothers overstep boundaries with their daughters is by micromanaging their lives. If your mother continues to dictate your appearance, career, or romantic choices, or even meddles in your life long after you've reached adulthood, that is a sign of toxicity.
Toxic moms may suffer from mental or psychological disorders that affect their ability to meet their children's needs. They may also have been victims of toxic parenting themselves, and are repeating the relationship patterns they grew up with.
Such a relationship rests on the pillars of trust, love, and mutual respect, where mothers and daughters freely express themselves and share emotional experiences. It instills the confidence that your mother or daughter will always be there for you for support, advice, or to lend an ear.
It involves low levels of autonomy or independence and high levels of inappropriate intimacy. For example, a parent may routinely over-share with their child about their personal adult problems and use that child as a sounding board to validate their feelings.
Codependent parents have an extreme focus outside of themselves. They provide extreme caretaking to their children. They are often busy taking care of their children and forget to take care of themselves. They tend to lack expression of feelings.
Enmeshment. In this context, enmeshment refers to a dysfunctional and unhealthy emotional boundary between a narcissistic parent and their child. It describes a dynamic where the parent and child are overly involved or enmeshed with each other, to the point where the child's individuality and autonomy are compromised.
Effects of enmeshment
Effects of being in an enmeshed relationship can include: Mental health issues, such as personality disorders. Self-esteem issues due to a lack of identity and years of being cut down by a possessive family member.
The best way to stop parental enmeshment is to slowly start creating boundaries between you and the child. It's important that these boundaries are not too strict, but firm enough so that they can feel like an adult (like when their parents allow them to stay out later on the weekends).
Enmeshment itself can be traumatic, especially when enmeshment normalizes abuse. In other cases, though, enmeshment is the byproduct of trauma. A serious illness, natural disaster, or sudden loss may cause a family to become unusually close in an attempt to protect themselves.
An enmeshed family sometimes referred to as a chaotic family, is characterized by a lack of a clear family boundary between the parent and the child3. The relational boundaries between them are fused and blurred. There is usually no tolerance for individuality or separateness in individual family members4.
Enmeshment is a concept in psychology and psychotherapy introduced by Salvador Minuchin (1921–2017) to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development.
Enmeshment and avoidant attachment style
Enmeshed children can develop an avoidant attachment style in their adult relationships. The child grows up and in adult relationships, is subconsciously afraid that when someone gets too close, it will result in a loss of independence and autonomy.
Codependent traits include self-sacrifice, focusing on others, difficulty expressing emotions honestly, a need for control, and a loss of identity and independence. The two people become entirely enmeshed in one another, so it's hard to distinguish the roles in their relationship. Enmeshed families are codependent.
Enmeshment describes family relationships that lack boundaries such that roles and expectations are confused, parents are overly and inappropriately reliant on their children for support, and children are not allowed to become emotionally independent or separate from their parents.
Some well-meaning parents may gaslight their children in an attempt to protect them. For example, “You will love these vegetables as they are so yummy.” However, many more do so to maintain control, power, and a sense of rightness in the parent-child relationships.
Some of the most common signs of a toxic parent include: Controlling: They want to tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Disrespectful: Toxic parents often fail to view you as an individual separate from them and often show little, if any, respect toward you.
The Mother Wound is an attachment trauma that creates a sense of confusion and devastation in the child's psyche. It instills deeply rooted beliefs that make the child feel unloved, abandoned, unworthy of care, and even fearful of expressing themselves.