For example: “I'm sorry I said that. I was in a bad mood that day.” This could be a manipulative, blame-shifting apology if they knew they would hurt you with their words.
It is a manipulation that works. It forces the other person to feel sorry for you, and because you are so willing to take the blame, they hold back from kicking you when you are down. It's an indirect way of usurping power in the relationship and acting weak so that others back off or take care of you.
“I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you're just too sensitive.” These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem. "I am sorry if something I said offended you.”
Narcissists may use a blame-shifting apology, where they apologize but then shift the blame onto the other person. For example, they may say, “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry.” This type of apology does not take responsibility for their actions and places the blame on the other person.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
But apologies are too often used as a quick fix for our uneasiness. When we focus more on our own discomfort than on the distress of the other person, our apology is selfish, and selfish apologies are usually ineffective.
Over-apologizing, on the other hand, can stem from a myriad of formative childhood experiences. For some, over-apologizing is a way to avoid conflict, especially if they grew up in a household where conflict sparked screaming matches, or led to violence. It can also stem from a fear of abandonment.
The Empty Apology.
It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it.
The silent treatment, or stonewalling, is a passive-aggressive form of manipulation and can be considered emotional abuse. It is a way to control another person by withholding communication, refusing to talk, or ignoring the person.
Your friend lays on the guilt.
Manipulators use guilt to make you feel sorry for them. “Many manipulators use emotional warfare, like guilt-tripping, to get you to do what they want,” says Cohen. Your friend might say things like, "After all I've done for you, can't you help me out?"
The defensive apology
This one takes a bit of finesse and sleight-of-hand to pull off and it may actually work in the moment; it usually includes more than a little blame-shifting too. Yes, the words “I'm sorry” are included in this one; it's the construction of the apology you have to pay attention to.
We believe all strong apologies contain the “four Rs” of recognition, responsibility, remorse, and redress.
A genuine apology shows that you feel sorry for your actions and want to do better. It also gives the other person a chance to process their own feelings. You've taken the first step to fix the damage.
In five chapters, I discuss what I call the five Rs of apology: recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, and repetition.
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.