Enmeshment. In this context, enmeshment refers to a dysfunctional and unhealthy emotional boundary between a narcissistic parent and their child. It describes a dynamic where the parent and child are overly involved or enmeshed with each other, to the point where the child's individuality and autonomy are compromised.
Enmeshment is common in narcissistic families because the parent often needs to be in control and will not allow their children to have their own autonomy. The total lack of boundaries between parent and child can lead to feelings of insecurity, a loss of identity, and resentment towards the controlling parent.
Narcissistic families practice enmeshment and individuals in these families aren't allowed to develop or have a healthy sense of themselves as separate and autonomous.
The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of, which is a losing proposition to the child.
People with codependency sometimes form relationships with people who have NPD. Typically the two partners develop complementary roles to fill each other's needs. The codependent person has found a partner they can pour their self into, and the narcissistic person has found someone who puts their needs first.
If you are a people pleaser, who likes others to need them, likes to be indispensable to others, you may find that you are attracted to narcissists and that they are attracted to you. Someone with narcissistic tendencies will be able to identify others who will allow them to be dominant in the relationship.
Codependent types seek to identify themselves through another person, process, or substance. There is a disconnect from their authentic self. Narcissists are addicted to the validation they seek and get from others, creating their identity around it.
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.
Secure attachment is the basis of relational trust and healthy psycho-emotional development. Children of narcissists typically experience relational trauma and insecure attachment. Narcissism and self-abnegation are common responses to narcissistic parenting.
They'll likely lash out in anger.
In response, they'll often fly into a narcissistic rage. It's totally unfair to you that they're acting this way, so try not to take it personally. Protect yourself by keeping your distance from this person. They might yell or call you names.
Thus, it's more likely that narcissists are high in avoidant attachment, which we'll discuss in the next section. Vulnerable narcissists' self-esteem is quite fragile and although they seek the approval of others, they experience strong anxiety as a result of relationships and, thus, tend to avoid them.
The development of narcissistic traits is in many cases, a consequence of neglect or excessive appraisal. In some cases, this pathological self-structure arises under childhood conditions of inadequate warmth, approval and excessive idealization, where parents do not see or accept the child as they are.
If a person is a narcissist, or they feel inadequate, they often end up sharing everything that comes to mind to make sure they are heard.
SIGNS OF AN ENMESHED FAMILY
Children grow up with the implied message that they should feel ashamed for wanting to prioritize their needs. Other red flags of enmeshment include: A lack of privacy between parents and children. Parents expecting children to be their best friends and always confiding in them.
It involves low levels of autonomy or independence and high levels of inappropriate intimacy. For example, a parent may routinely over-share with their child about their personal adult problems and use that child as a sounding board to validate their feelings.
People with narcissism often gaslight their partners, which is the act of invalidating another person's experience in order to make one question its authenticity. Narcissists gaslight others because their fragile self-esteem crumbles if their imperfections or mistakes are perceivable.
According to Dr. Malkin, there are three basic types of narcissistic parents — classic (extroverted), covert (introverted) and communal. It's important to understand these different types so you can better understand (and heal) from your experience growing up.
A narcissistic mother might display traits like a lack of empathy, a constant need for admiration, and a tendency to belittle or manipulate her children. She may also neglect her child's needs, be overly controlling or critical, and use guilt or conditional love to maintain control.
Traits of a Narcissistic Mother
They view their children as an extension of themselves and only invest in a child's well-being to the extent that it enhances their own. Unfortunately, maternal narcissism can disrupt the formation of a healthy mother-child bond, allowing a child's needs to go unmet.
The scapegoat is someone who must embody what the narcissistic parent cannot stand in themselves. By “finding” what they hate in themselves to be in the scapegoat child, the parent feels protected; this is the role of the scapegoat child.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother leaves lasting impacts upon a daughter, including problems in relationships, low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, difficulty with emotions, and anxiety and depression.
Other psychiatric disorders can imitate narcissistic traits and NPD. An individual must fulfill specific criteria to be diagnosed with NPD. Suffering from depression, PTSD, or substance abuse disorder can mimic NPD.
Highly empathetic
Empathy, in a word, is an opiate for the narcissist. Individuals who have a high level of empathy are extremely appealing to narcissists because narcissists crave acknowledgment and validation for their thoughts and feelings (clinically, being "mirrored").