Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.
A covert narcissist lives with the need for admiration and validation, an unstable sense of self and self-importance, and emotional fragility. Their expression of these needs and vulnerability is more introverted and passive-aggressive than the typical or overt narcissist.
Covert narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder, but they hide many of the typical signs and symptoms of a grandiose (or overt) narcissist. They may appear to be shy and modest, but inside they are chronically envious of others, can't handle criticism, and lack empathy for others.
Rejection in any form is the narcissist's worst fear. Rejection triggers what they work each day to hide from others and from themselves: a sense of inferiority and unlovability. Narcissists experience any kind of rejection—personal, social, or professional—as intensely invalidating and destabilizing.
There's nothing a narcissist fears more than consequences.
Calmly lay out which specific behavior you want them to stop doing, and explain what will happen if they choose to ignore you. This is a threat to a narcissist's power, and it's sure to keep them on alert.
He doesn't want you to know you are lovable and have power in the relationship. Your narcissist wants you to feel small, unlovable, powerless, and without value. This is how he controls you.
They feel that they've been criticized, even if the critique is constructive or said kindly. They're not the center of attention. They're caught breaking rules or not respecting boundaries. They're held accountable for their actions.
Covert narcissists are often highly sensitive and may have low self-esteem, which may lead them to seek frequent validation from others. Those with covert narcissism also tend to be highly sensitive to criticism and may be more likely to internalize it due to their fragile sense of self.
Gaslighters/narcissists are extremely sensitive to rejection. Any perceived slight can throw them into a tailspin. Many times, gaslighters/narcissists will be out for revenge. One of the most common ways gaslighters/narcissists attack those who reject them is by subjecting them to public humiliation.
Covert narcissists tend to hold grudges for a long time. If they feel they are being treated unfairly, they may say nothing at the moment but wait to take revenge in some way. Along with a desire for revent, these grudges can lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment.
They believe that they are the best at everything and losing to those they believe to be inferior can be infuriating. Since narcissists are always in pursuit of status and admiration from others, losing for them can be a devastating ego blow that can trigger their narcissistic injury.
Someone living with narcissistic personality disorder may tend to resent when others don't give them the status or importance they think they deserve. This may lead them to hold grudges for a long time. One of the ways covert narcissists may express this resentment is by using silent treatment.
They believe they're uniquely miserable.
Unlike most types of narcissists who often come across as confident and grandiose, covert narcissists tend to be more insecure and self-effacing.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
Retaliation is a way for narcissists to inflict tangible damage on the victim – whether it involves an assault on their privacy, their good name, their work, their future relationships or friendships, the narcissist seeks revenge to punish you and reestablish control over you.
Essentially, the point of the silent treatment is to make the victim feel confused, stressed, guilty, ashamed, not good enough, or unstable enough so that they would do what the manipulator wants.
A covert narcissist is a person who has symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hides the more obvious signs of the condition. While it can be more difficult to recognize, covert narcissism can be just as destructive as more overt narcissistic behaviors.
Covert vs.
Covert narcissism is also known as shy, vulnerable, or closet narcissism. People with this subtype tend not to outwardly demonstrate arrogance or entitlement. Instead, they might put themselves down and seem anxious about what others think of them, rather than exuding charm or confidence.
Their secret is that they feel insecure and are needy. This is why they must, at all costs, feel powerful and in control. Once you realize this, it explains their entire personality and abuse. They act as if they're needless and judge their partners for their needs and feelings.
Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed.
Due to their low social competence, vulnerable narcissists often do not receive the attention and admiration they are searching for to satisfy their high sense of entitlement. This negative experience contributes to their enhanced levels of (social) anxiety [77].
Among the weak points of a narcissist is the pain of being told “no.” As you've already seen, the one thing they need is to constantly be the center of attention. Furthermore, they want to be respected, admired, followed, and given power over everyone else around them.