Often, this is just another manipulation tactic. It's intended to make you think that the relationship is improving or that you just went through a rough patch. Once a gaslighting spouse feels secure again, they return to their abusive behavior.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion. Last week we looked at the straight-up lie and reality manipulation. This week we are going to focus on scapegoating and coercion.
Gaslighters have fragile egos and low self-esteem, so use your own inner strength to keep the balance of power in your favor.
Gaslighting in Abuse Relationships
In many cases, the gaslighter will get defensive about their actions and claim they do it out of love. I only do it because I love you. By saying this, they're making their victim feel as if their love for the gaslighter is less than what they're receiving in return.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a person who is gaslighting you, avoid arguing with them and do your best to remain calm. Seek support from friends and family members who can validate your experience and help you sort through your feelings.
Narcissistic gaslighting examples of this tactic include suggesting you're “confused,” “mixed up” or “misremembering.” Alternatively, they may take the opposite approach, saying something like, “I have no memory of that” or, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
If the gaslighter is willing to be honest with themselves and do the hard work of changing how they interact it's possible to change this behavior. However, if they're unwilling to recognize the pattern then the pattern is unlikely to change.
Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness. Others who gaslight might not be aware that they're doing it.
Staying in a relationship with a gaslighting spouse means that either they have to change or you have to accept the way they are, which will ultimately take a toll on your well-being. Abusive behavior is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to fix them either.
A gaslighter often lacks empathy for others. They will emotionally abuse others and harm their mental health without regard.
In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.
Jamie Schenk DeWitt, a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles told Newsweek: "A gaslighting apology is a conditional apology that makes the person apologizing appear as if they are sincerely saying 'I am sorry,' but they aren't taking any responsibility for hurting you.
“Gaslighters have two signature moves,” she wrote. “They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.” They spread gossip, they take credit for other people's work, and they undercut others in furtherance of their own position.
Narcissism refers to a personality structure, or a pattern of personality traits, whereas gaslighting refers to behavior. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that weakens the victim and makes them more dependent on the perpetrator.
Those experiencing gaslighting may often feel confused about their version of reality, experience anxiety, or be unable to trust themselves. Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that undermines an individual's perception of reality, causing them to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
10 Signs & Red Flags You're Being Gaslighted. If you recognize these signs in your relationships, you may be the victim of gaslighting; they include denial, minimization, blame-shifting, isolation, withholding, causing confusion or doubt, criticism, projection, narcissism, and love bombing.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem.
Gaslighting can be part of a narcissistic personality, but it is not a core trait of narcissistic personality disorder. A narcissist may be self-promoting and feel superior to others; a gaslighter aims to make another person question their own self-value.