A narcissist will enter the devalue and discard phase once he/she believes that they truly have you hooked, once you have settled into the relationship. Having just bombarded you with their lovebombing for several weeks or months making you feel as if you are perfect, now they will turn the tables on you completely.
The devaluation stage, also known as the depreciation stage, comes next. It often starts slowly. The narcissist will start dropping subtle hints that you've done something wrong, that you've forgotten something important, or that you've hurt their feelings. You'll start to feel insecure.
Narcissists often come back in order to maintain control over you. Particularly the first time it happens, a temporary discard often acts as a tactic to devalue you and demonstrate that they don't need you.
To keep their self-esteem from plummeting, they devalue their partner by finding fault with them in order to boost their own. Devaluation is a form of self-protection that allows them to avoid feeling the pain, but it also causes their partner to feel emotionally mistreated in the relationship.
After the honeymoon, you typically move into the devaluation phase. During this phase, the narcissist begins to gradually start criticizing you or deriding you. Because this change is gradual, you might not notice this behavior until weeks or even months after it's started.
The narcissist sees people as objects they use to meet their needs, and to discard when the person no longer serves a purpose for them. A narcissist will discard when the person no longer can boost the narc's ego or be the fuel to replenish their narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic relationships can last anywhere from a few days or weeks to many years. There are anecdotal observations suggesting that the average length of a narcissistic relationship is around six months, but no empirical evidence supports this claim.
Long-term relationships are boring to narcissists. They are drawn by the chase and may idealize the partners they can't have. They may appear to be charming, generous, and caring at first. But when they have you, they begin to get bored and to look for your faults.
The relationship cycle typical of extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows a pattern. Individuals in emotionally abusive relationships experience a dizzying whirlwind that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding.
Yes, they often do come back to relationships. A narcissist will repeat their cycle of abuse as long as they need you as a supply. Even their distressing discard performance will leave you in a firm belief they're done with you; a narcissist will come back.
Though typical narcissists do not discard people because they crave attention, covert narcissists may go to extreme measures to permanently discard you.
It is common for people with a narcissistic personality disorder to regret discarding or losing someone, but it does not mean what you might think. If they feel regret, it is not because they hurt you. It is for losing something that they value.
Narcissists may still think about you after they have discarded you but probably not in a good way. They may tell people how “crazy” or “abusive” you were and only think about all the reasons why they had to discard you.
What does idealization and devaluation feel like? Both idealization and devaluation are marked by intense emotions of either affection or anger. For the person who is the subject of these emotions, the shift between the two can feel bewildering.
The narcissist will choose to discard you when they have another option waiting in the wings. If you notice that they are talking more to other people, or they are spending more time out of the house then this might be evidence that a new supply has arrived. The second sign is affection stops.
For the person on the receiving end, someone experiencing a narcissistic collapse may look out of control, extremely angry, and vindictive. In some cases, it may look like someone withdrawing altogether and giving them the silent treatment.
To avoid the deflation of their self-esteem, they devalue their partner by finding fault in them, to boost their own self-esteem. Devaluation is self protection, so that they do not feel the pain, however, it leaves their partner feeling emotionally abused in the relationship.
Some narcissists may have a harder time dealing with a romantic breakup. Others might move on quicker, and, to you, it may appear as if they never loved you.
At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.
Ramani adds that narcissists not only get bored easily with new things, but also new people. Her theory is that narcissistic reward-sensitivity may explain why narcissists can engage in impulsive, sometimes dangerous behavior—drugs, alcohol, gambling, unsafe sexual practices, overspending, or overeating.
Breakups with narcissists don't always end the relationship. Many won't let you go, even when they are the ones who left the relationship, and even when they're with a new partner. They won't accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or stay friends after a breakup or divorce.
However, as time passes, the narcissist instinctively and subconsciously realizes that his partner has something he or she does not. Due to a narcissist's lack of self-awareness and inability to extend authentic empathy, he or she feels threatened by someone who possesses something he or she does not understand.
Narcissists can never really love anyone.
That's why it's important to remember that no matter how happy and loved-up they look with their new partner, it's only a matter of time before they start being belittled and insulted too. Narcissists can never really love anyone.
"The central motivator for narcissists is validation," she explains. "And an ex is often a really interesting place to get it... They constantly need that fresh narcissistic supply, and they kind of know what an ex's supply is like."
Narcissists can't take rejection and they see it as a personal attraction to their character. Even after long periods of the breakup, they can't accept the fact that you're moving on. Now that you're seeing someone else, your narcissistic ex would act like a predator.