Because narcissists have very low self-esteem, they become incredibly defensive and frustrated when their shortcomings are pointed out. Thus, the distress associated with their false self being exposed can result in narcissistic rage.
The primary reason is control. When you ask a question, you are in control in that moment because you have dictated what the conversation will be about. This throws off the narcissist. As a result, they become defensive and deflect to get control back.
Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed.
People with high levels of narcissism tend to respond very defensively when their positive self-evaluations are threatened.
This manipulation is often done to get something that they want from a relationship, to make themselves look good, or to fulfill their narcissistic supply. This can include emotional abuse, gaslighting, and many others. These manipulation tactics can be discrete, or they can sometimes be blatant and obvious.
Manipulative narcissists can turn people against you by bringing one or more additional people into an argument, spat, or disagreement that was originally just between you and the narcissist.
Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.
Narcissists are frightened, fragile people.
Rejection, humiliation, and even the tiniest of defeats can shake them to their core. This leaves narcissists wholly focused on their image.
“This happens when, again, there's such an inflated view of the self that you're not able to process and respect the needs, wants, and feelings of others,” says Dr. Hoffman. This lack of empathy in narcissists is what makes their behaviors so inherently hurtful, whether they're “trying” to be hurtful or not.
For the person on the receiving end, someone experiencing a narcissistic collapse may look out of control, extremely angry, and vindictive. In some cases, it may look like someone withdrawing altogether and giving them the silent treatment.
A monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on. Then, of course, the next step is to spend time improving. The narcissist sabotages any possibility of looking deep within.
Narcissists are hurt by challenges or threats to their superior and grandiose self-image (also known as narcissistic injury). Their sense of entitlement and lack of empathy means they will attempt to destroy the culprit by any means necessary.
It comes hand-in-hand with this that narcissists hate being criticised or called out. Which is exactly why there's one word in particular narcissistic people cannot stand: "no".
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.
One of the biggest insecurities of narcissists is their lack of emotional intelligence. They must learn how to be happy when their loved ones are happy. And offer comfort when they are sad. Until then, their insecurities around their lack of empathy will continue.
A narcissist is likely to be enraged when they begin to lose control. They may lash out at you, go on a smear campaign, or purposefully ignore you. They may also lovebomb you to reel you back in. Their main goal is to get your attention, provoke a response, and regain power.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5, lists specific narcissistic personality disorder diagnostic criteria including symptoms like high self-importance, lack of empathy, and a grandiose sense of entitlement.
They have contempt for responsibility, which they avoid and deflect onto others. They have contempt for trust, which they betray and violate. They have contempt for love, which they do not feel but use as a weapon against others who do. They have contempt for authenticity, which threatens their false facade.