Often well-meaning people say hurtful things because they're at a loss for words. Not knowing the right thing to say, they may turn to canned statements, like “don't worry about it” or “you'll be fine”—the kinds of statements that tend to be least helpful in difficult times.
Often, people will utter hurtful words to others with no motive. Or, their motive could be simply to relieve their own pain. Remaining silent or strong-willed can be hard to do when one is taken by surprise by hurtful words.
To understand how to break this pattern, you need to first understand why do we say hurtful things when angry. Simply because it is the easiest way to vent out our frustration and anger, certainly a lot easier than focusing on your issues and working on resolving them.
Anger is a negative feeling state that is typically associated with hostile thoughts, physiological arousal and maladaptive behaviors. It usually develops in response to the unwanted actions of another person who is perceived to be disrespectful, demeaning, threatening or neglectful.
Beneath the Surface
The feelings that anger commonly masks include fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, embarrassment, betrayal, jealousy, sadness, hurt, and worry. When you feel angry, take a second to stop and ask yourself if you feel any of these emotions that may be causing your anger.
Emotions that can Trigger
Because anger is easier to feel, it can distract you from experiencing and healing the pain you feel inside. Among the most triggering primary emotions is frustration. Frustration is often experienced when you are feeling helpless or out of control.
Words are powerful weapons and can do a lot of damage. “ You're *#@! % stupid. ” “ I wish you were never born. ” “ No one is ever going to love you, you're so *#@! % fat and ugly. ” “ You never get anything right. ” “ You're worthless. ” These are mean and degrading things to say to someone.
Responses to Rudeness
I felt dismissed by your comment; while that may not have been your intention, that's how it landed with me. I'm hurt by what you just said. I imagine it wasn't your intent, but that made me uncomfortable. I don't respond well to being yelled at.
They don't want to feel vulnerable.
Many individuals may try to avoid this thought by convincing themselves that victims must in some way be responsible for their misfortune. This attribution is a double-edged sword: It helps people feel less personally vulnerable, but it can also make them less compassionate.
According to Brené Brown's infamous Ted Talk, shame is “the fear of disconnection”. People who carry a lot of shame think they are “unworthy of love and connection”. So, when we lash out at the people we love, it's because we fear disconnection. The more shame we carry around with us, the worse our behaviour is.
Common roots of anger include fear, pain, and frustration. For example, some people become angry as a fearful reaction to uncertainty, to fear of losing a job, or to fear of failure. Others become angry when they are hurt in relationships or are caused pain by close friends.
The emotion of anger is associated with the choleric humor and can cause resentment and irritability. It is believed that this emotion is stored in the liver and gall bladder, which contain bile. Anger can cause headaches and hypertension which can in turn affect the stomach and the spleen.
The ISFP. Ever enigmatic, ISFPs registered as the type most likely to get angry and show it, as well as one of the types most likely to get angry and not show it. According to the MBTI® Manual, ISFPs ranked highest of all the types in suppressing anger, and second-highest of the types most likely to show it.
Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) is an often overlooked mental disorder identified by episodes of anger, sudden outbursts in which the person loses control entirely. This mental disorder usually begins in childhood or adolescence. Most people continue to experience it later in their life, though.
Jesus said, "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28 NIV) In the following verses Jesus gives several specific examples of how to treat those who have hurt you, and He concludes with, "Be merciful, just as ...