1. Our romantic drives are loosely coupled networks. Probably the biggest factor in why it is hard to remain monogamous is that there are several drives built into us that contribute to reproduction, but they do not work in unison.
Signs That Monogamy Is a Problem
One partner feels strongly about exploring other or multiple relationships. One partner has been unfaithful. The couple can't agree on boundaries. One or both partners aren't bothered by the thought of the other being with someone else.
Monogamy is an intrinsically unstable mating strategy. Benefits include the (relative) certainty of access to the partner's reproductive potential, but the chief disadvantage is that access to other potential partners is strongly diminished, particularly in those cases where males exhibit strong mate-guarding behavior.
Monogamy is not simply unrealistic; it is unnatural. You do not find it often in the animal kingdom, and where you do it is generally born of an evolutionary necessity. The necessity of monogamy among humankind has evaporated.
The Relationship always comes first.
Toxic monogamy dictates that there is a hierarchy for love, with the romantic relationship on top. One must forsake all else—anything that threatens The Relationship, and even at times friends and family—in order to protect The Relationship.
The answer is simple: being monogamous is not as realistic as everyone thinks. This isn't to say that monogamy isn't possible, but rather that it isn't likely in a relationship meant to last a lifetime. With a national population near 350 million, perhaps there are just too many fish in the sea.
Monogamy is difficult to maintain. Sure, it's easy enough at times when your life is devoid of temptation. But unless you and your partner live in isolation in a cottage in the woods, there are no guarantees that an attractive “other” will not emerge — to lure you away and challenge the sanctity of your relationship.
Although polygamy is practiced in various cultures, humans still tend toward monogamy. But this was not always the norm among our ancestors. Other primates – the mammalian group, to which humans belong – are still polygamous, too.
We are termed 'socially monogamous' by biologists, which means that we usually live as couples, but the relationships aren't permanent and some sex occurs outside the relationship. There are three main explanations for why social monogamy evolved in humans, and biologists are still arguing which is the most important.
In essence, men are only socially monogamous rather than genetically monogamous.
There are a lot of different reasons people are drawn to non-monogamous relationships, whether it's sexual identity or a desire for something more than a traditional relationship can ever offer, but at the core, it's a desire to connect with multiple people and make up the rules as you go.
Reasons a person might choose monogamy:
You enjoy feeling special and uniquely prioritized by a romantic partner. You struggle with maintaining many relationships at the same time, whether because of limited time or limited energy. You like the simplicity of having just one relationship to nurture.
Monogamy is due to insecurity, at its heart – that your partner will leave you, and cloaking it under the guise of romantic notions of commitment is disingenuous.
According to sexologists, some serial monogamist red flags are: There is barely any gap between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another. A serial monogamist will not like it when their demand for exclusivity is not accepted. They might be engaged more than three times without getting married even once.
According to the New York Times, a 2011 paper showed that early humans, or hominids, began shifting towards monogamy about 3.5 million years ago—though the species never evolved to be 100% monogamous (remember that earlier statistic).
Recent discoveries have led biologists to talk about the three varieties of monogamy: social monogamy, sexual monogamy, and genetic monogamy. The distinction between these three are important to the modern understanding of monogamy.
Monogamy does exist in nature, as, of course, do females who seek out multiple partners. But nature does seem to push things in the direction of polygyny on our branch of the evolutionary tree. Among mammals, just 9 percent of species are monogamous; among primates, just 29 percent are.
Human mate choice, an aspect of sexual selection in humans, depends on a variety of factors, such as ecology, demography, access to resources, rank/social standing, genes, and parasite stress.
While humans can mate all year long, other female mammals have an estrous cycle. This is when they're “in heat.” Changes in the animal's physiology and behavior occur. It only happens once a year. But a woman's sex drive can be active at any time of year.
Details on polygamy laws around the world can be found through the OECD Development Centre and the United Nations Human Rights office. Only about 2% of the global population lives in polygamous households, and in the vast majority of countries, that share is under 0.5%.
For humans, monogamy is not biologically ordained. According to evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss of the University of Texas at Austin, humans are in general innately inclined toward nonmonogamy.
Yes, monogamy is 'natural' for humans. But in the case of humans, monogamy doesn't mean sexual desire that is limited to one person. Humans evolved to be 'socially monogamous,' meaning that we choose one partner with which we pair-bond while retaining a desire for other sexual partners.
Just like monogamous relationships, non-monogamous relationships can be happy and satisfying, and last just as long. And just like monogamous relationships they can difficult and challenging. But being in a non-monogamous relationship doesn't mean you are any more likely to be unhealthy or unhappy.
The median duration of first marriages that end in divorce is just under 8 years, while the median duration of second marriages that end in divorce is around 7 years.