The cycle of being devalued and then rewarded over and over, works overtime to create a strong chemical and hormonal bond between a victim and his or her abuser. This is why victims of abuse often describe feeling more deeply bonded to their abuser than they do to people who actually consistently treat them well.
Trauma bonds are hard to break because the cycle of abuse that causes them floods the victim's brain with dopamine, causing them to develop an addiction for the relationship and because abusers often victimize themselves to make the victim doubtful, guilty, and ashamed for attempting to break the trauma bond.
What's key to understand about a trauma bonding relationship is that it can't be healthy because it is not equal. “Oftentimes when folks are trauma bonding, it may look and feel safe for some,” says Eborn. “But there is a lot of inconsistency within the relationship, and it can be extremely dysfunctional.
Trauma bonds are bonds that commonly form as a result of abusive relationships. They are the surface-level feelings of attachment and intimacy that can result from an abusive cycle. In a trauma bond, partners think they have true love or connection even though the relationship is harmful.
Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.
The best way to combat this is garnering as much support as possible from friends or family. Breaking a trauma bond becomes much more possible when there are people aware of your situation who can provide empathy and help when it's asked for and needed.
Signs of trauma bonding
They may also: agree with the abusive person's reasons for treating them badly. try to cover for the abusive person. argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors.
Trauma bonds can linger, even when the abuse happened long ago. You might struggle to stop thinking about someone who hurt you and feel the urge to reach out or try again. Here's a test that might help, though it's not at all conclusive: Ask yourself whether you'd encourage a loved one to leave a similar relationship.
Do Narcissists Also Feel the Trauma Bond? Abusive narcissists likely do feel the bond too, but differently. It's so confusing for anyone in a relationship with a narcissist who's abusive to understand why they continue to hurt them, even when they say they love them.
Trauma Bonds Create Chemical Warfare in our Brains
Reuniting and the love-bombing that follows then floods our systems with dopamine. Dopamine and oxytocin together strengthen our bond even more and ease our fear and anxiety. We feel loved. We feel safe.
A "trauma bond" is an attachment formed between two people who unconsciously bond to each other based on shared trauma. Traumatic bonds are typically established in abusive childhoods and are learned as a product of intermittent positive and negative reinforcement.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
You do not believe the threats; e.g. you think they're just venting. You always see their best intentions and do not see that they harm you. You end up walking on eggshells and pleasing them. You stop expressing yourself because you want to avoid conflict.
Trauma dumping refers to sharing a traumatic story without thinking about how it will affect the listener, or oversharing in an inappropriate context.
Essentially, attachment trauma impacts our ability to feel safe with others and ourselves. We feel chronically unsafe, mistrustful, and anxious in relationships, and this manifests through the push and pull of desperately craving healthy connection, yet also fearful and ambivalent of connection and pulling away.
This is the premise of trauma bonding. Some theories suggest this is our subconscious mind trying to resolve old wounds. Even minor traumas, like the feeling “my parents never heard me,” can lead you to be attracted to, or hypersensitive to, someone who struggles to be present with you.
The cycle of being devalued (and then rewarded) over and over can create a strong chemical bond between the abuser and the victim. A cocktail of different hormones like oxytocin (bonding), opioids (pleasure, pain, withdrawal) and dopamine (reward) are responsible for this feeling.
We touched on the four main neurochemicals that are primary drivers underlying the trauma bond (i.e., dopamine, endogenous opioids, corticotropin releasing factor, and oxytocin). Often when a person is traumatized by a romantic partner or someone they love, these chemicals become significantly dysregulated.
It might seem like trauma does irreversible damage to your brain--that's not true. Our brains are extremely adaptable. Neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to form new connections, explains why we can rewire our brains to reverse trauma's damaging effects.
Social learning theory holds that children are likely to grow up to be narcissistic when their parents overvalue them: when their parents see them as more special and more entitled than other children (9).