Conflict avoidance occurs due to uncomfortable feelings being stirred up in someone when a disagreement occurs. These uncomfortable feelings exist because the person has likely experienced some type of past trauma or upsetting incident at some point prior in their life.
At its core, conflict avoidance is people pleasing due to a deeply ingrained fear of hurting or upsetting other people if you express your true feelings. This type of codependency leads to feelings of resentment and loneliness and ultimately hurts you and your relationships.
These are hallmark symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and when you already live in a heightened state of anxiety, the disruption of any semblance of normalcy that comes with conflict can feel absolutely chaotic.
“A conflict-avoidant personality is a type of people-pleasing behavior where someone avoids conflict or disagreements at all costs and fears making others upset or angry,” explains Babita Spinelli, a psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, and Florida.
For instance, avoidant personality disorder is more common in people who are anxious and tend toward depression. Parental emotional neglect certainly can play a part in exacerbating these issues, and sexual and physical abuse also can give rise to the disorder.
According to adult attachment experts Phil Shaver and Mario Mikulincer, avoidant partners often react angrily to perceived slights or other threats to their self-esteem, for example, whenever the other person fails to support or affirm their inflated self-image.
Conflict avoidance occurs due to uncomfortable feelings being stirred up in someone when a disagreement occurs. These uncomfortable feelings exist because the person has likely experienced some type of past trauma or upsetting incident at some point prior in their life.
Ask, “When is a good time to talk about this issue?” Some conflict-avoidant people experience anxiety just engaging in disagreements. Give your spouse the opportunity to mentally address their anxiety, get their thoughts together, and enter the conversation with a more relaxed mindset.
There are many factors that can influence conflict avoidance, such as self-doubt, lack of assertiveness, inadequate communication skills, fear of rejection, disapproval, criticism, or loss of security and more.
Conflict avoidant red flags involve minimizing, downplaying or sidestepping conflict altogether as a means of preserving relationship harmony. This can be detrimental, especially when the conflict at hand is a major relationship issue that requires the couple to embrace the conflict head-on.
People use avoidance as a natural coping mechanism for pain, trauma, and other mental health issues. It can be understandable to avoid dangerous situations or avoid peer pressure, but avoidance is more than just not wanting to feel uncomfortable.
Who's prone to avoidance behavior? People with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or anxiety are especially likely to use avoidance to dodge triggers or potentially harmful environments. Others may practice the behavior because they struggle with their emotions in general.
"People who avoid confrontation tend to value peace and a status quo,” Masini tells Bustle. “They don't like excitement and they prefer routine where they have a better chance of achieving an absence of confrontation.” You avoid confrontation by not veering off track.
Fawning is a trauma response that uses people-pleasing behavior to appease or supplicate an aggressor, avoid conflict, and ensure safety. This trauma response is exceedingly common, especially in complex trauma survivors, and often gets overlooked.
However, avoiding conflict is not healthy for any relationship. It can lead to resentment, a lack of communication, missed opportunities for growth, an increase in stress and anxiety, a decrease in intimacy, a lack of trust, and unhealthy power dynamics.
Dismissive-avoidant after breakup: short-term
So in the aftermath of a painful breakup, they are less likely to turn to friends and family. They want to deal with things on their own. And when it comes to challenging, romantic feelings, airing their 'dirty laundry' is often the last thing they want to do.
A partner being demanding of their time and attention
In line with their desire for complete independence, many people with an avoidant attachment style also feel greatly triggered when a partner becomes too reliant on them. Especially if this leads to more demands for their time and attention.
Communicating with empathy, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming and criticism are some of the ways to help avoidant partners feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, as well as change their behaviors in time. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”
Two distinct types of conflict-avoidant people may exist. The first type avoids conflict out of self-preservation and the second for self-serving reasons. A person attempting to circumvent fights may be protecting themselves from unnecessary drama and trauma.
It might be that he believes having these conversations will require him to be accountable and make changes he's not interested in making (getting a better job, finishing school). He may suspect that discussing these topics will lead to a discussion about marriage, and he doesn't want to go there.
Almost the exact opposite of conflict avoiders, volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately and they stick to it throughout the discussion.
However, regardless of whether they are the instigator of a breakup or not, avoidant attachers tend to repress or avoid expression of their intense emotions in the aftermath. This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do.
Style 4: disorganised-controlling
These children often display controlling and manipulative behaviour. This form of attachment can develop because of: abuse. trauma.
Love Avoidants fear vulnerability, intimacy, dependence, and genuine love. This avoidance of connection stems from difficulty developing healthy attachments in their early life. It is a form of self-preservation.