People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy.
However, excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, have low self-esteem, difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
When left untreated, people-pleasing can become a toxic pattern that affects personal and professional relationships during adulthood. Untreated trauma can also lead to serious mental health consequences, including an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It's Okay: To Seek Validation From People You Care About
Being a people pleaser is not inherently a character flaw. That validation, or praise, can often act as external motivation. Like every kind of motivation, it comes with pros and cons. And to care what others think of you is not necessarily a bad thing.
Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don't value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
In most cases, people-pleasing behavior is motivated by insecurity and low self-esteem caused by trauma bonds in childhood. People who were neglected, mistreated, or abused by their caregivers tried to please them in the hope of receiving attention and better treatment.
A people pleaser is typically someone everyone considers helpful and kind. When you need help with a project or someone to help you study for an exam, they're more than willing to step up.
It is not. The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish and causes unnecessary distance, confrontation and lack of intimacy. The neglect of self (people pleasing) creates unwanted exhaustion, increased anxiety and also contributes to a lack of intimacy.
Just start putting up boundaries that will allow you to first take care of your needs before turning focus to others. This isn't a selfish view point. Actually, being a people-pleaser is selfish because you're doing what's easiest and cheating people from receiving your valuable, true thoughts and reactions.
People pleasing is also a form of deception, both with yourself as well as with others. Though not conscious or intentional, attempting to try to get people to like you, approve of you or stop wanting something from you often requires pretending or lying. People pleasing is all about dishonesty.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
You can build up resentment due to a feeling that others are taking advantage of your generosity, and this can cause a passive-aggressive nature to develop. As a result, you may feel constant stress and be unable to enjoy yourself or relax. It can also result in the development of depression.
People Pleasing as a Form of Control
People pleasing is tricky because you think you're being a giver, but really it's a form of manipulation. Yep, manipulation because you're trying to get something in return. You're attached to (and trying to control) the outcome.
It is true that opposites attract. People who like to please are frequently drawn to people who like to control others. Pleasers have certain personality characteristics that are developed in childhood. They are often perfectionists who were influenced by very demanding parental expectations and/or criticism.
People-pleasers often have low self esteem because they may ignore their own needs to help others. According to Black and Pearlman (1997), this can result in anxiety, frustration and depression. To build self esteem, people-pleasers need to restore the balance between self care and helping others.
People Pleasing
Many who experience quiet BPD identify with people-pleasing behaviors, but what is often occurring is a fawn response. Fawning is a component of the fight-flight-freeze response that usually develops during childhood to evade abuse and mistreatment from adults.
Narcissism demands to be fed and people pleasers are the best source. Contrary to the outward appearance of self-reliance, determination, and independence, narcissists internally crave approval from others. They need a constant daily supply of attention, admiration, and affection.
People who are impressive in some way, either in their career, hobbies and talents, their friendship circles, or family. Someone who will make the narcissist feel good about themselves, through compliments or gestures. Anyone who will reflect well on them in the eyes of other people.
It is a natural human instinct to want to please others and to present oneself at one's best. It is, in fact, a very positive quality to consider others' feelings and be emotionally intelligent.
Cons of People Pleasing
They are prone to be exploited and manipulated by others. They assume others will do the same for them and experience disappointment and resentment when this is not the case. Mental fatigue and burnout occur due to working too hard and constantly assessing the needs and opinions of others.
Nicole LePera, a psychologist and a social media influencer, people-pleasing is a result of childhood emotional neglect. Taking to Instagram, she explains, "When children are emotionally neglected, they unconsciously abandon their sense of self in order to maintain their relationship with the parent figure."
A study of young adults found that childhood trauma was significantly correlated with elevated psychological distress, increased sleep disturbances, reduced emotional well-being, and lower perceived social support.
synonyms for eager to please
accommodating. willing. agreeable. amiable.
Because of their innate sensitivity to emotional pain, people with ADHD might become people pleasers, always making sure that friends, acquaintances, and family approve of them: “Tell me what you want, and I'll do my best to become it.