You May Have 'Sorry Syndrome' Are you constantly saying “sorry” in your conversations with others? For example, do you find yourself saying things like, “Gosh, I'm so sorry about the bad weather we're having!” or opening up your sentences with, “I'm sorry to bother you, but can I ask you a question?”
The over apologizing ritual, like so many habits in life, often happens at a subconscious level — this is what's known as the Sorry Syndrome. Fortunately, mindfully noticing this tendency frees us to create more intentional, accurate responses.
The reason for many is that apologizing is a compulsion related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In this form of OCD, we have an obsessive thought that we did something wrong, usually related to a core fear that we are a bad person. We feel compelled to 'correct' ourselves or neutralize our fear.
Many people persistently apologize. Although not always the case, for some people, this can be a symptom of OCD. While OCD can be challenging to manage at times, it's possible. Many people who have OCD are able to manage their condition effectively.
“Over-apologizing can stem from being too hard on ourselves or beating ourselves up for things,” Dr. Juliana Breines, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Rhode Island, explained. In addition to anxiety, another mental health disorder that can lead people to over-apologize is OCD.
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is often the method they use. By apologizing, they place doubt in their victims' minds. “They apologized to me, so they can't be as terrible as I remember them being.”
But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.
Apologizing frequently can give the illusion of smoothing over any potential tension, alerting the other that you're trying to make sure things work out “just so.” However, this habit of over-apologizing can be a sign of anxiety.
So, what exactly is so bad about apologizing to a narcissist? The narcissist is unable to take responsibility for any of their actions. No matter the cause of a situation, they will turn it back on someone else and make it about them. This is blame-shifting.
Apologies, when warranted, are a sign of empathy in the workplace. But over-apologizing — or excessively saying sorry when you don't need to — is a bad habit that can undermine your authority, and more importantly, it hurts your self-esteem.
Over-apologizing is a common symptom amongst individuals with low self-esteem, fear of conflict and a fear of what others think. This goes hand in hand with poor boundaries, perhaps accepting blame for things we didn't do or couldn't control.
However, there is a time and place for apologizing even if you're not guilty. It's important to remember that apologizing is not an admission of guilt; it's an admission of responsibility. (Click to tweet) You are taking responsibility for improving and moving past the situation at hand.
The Empty Apology.
It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it. So you go through the motions, literally saying the words, but not meaning it.
Apologizing can make some people feel vulnerable, or feel like they are in danger of losing their power and status. Others simply equate saying "I'm sorry" with admitting they're inadequate or incompetent, which makes admitting mistakes so much harder to do.
Many anxious children over-apologize—saying sorry for things that they didn't even do, or even if they did, they can't apologize enough. Help your child limit their apologies. Thank them for the apology, but explain that one is enough, and they're going to be smarter than their worry and stick to that.
Sorry as a Tool of Manipulation
False apologies are tools of manipulation. An example of this is when a seemingly contrite person says they're sorry for being unfaithful to their partner. Their concern isn't for the relationship. It's about how a possible breakup will impact them financially.
Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people. What's more, they are too good for anything average or ordinary.
Experts work with five main types of narcissism: overt, covert, communal, antagonistic, and malignant narcissism. They can all affect how you see yourself and interact with others. When it comes to treatment, narcissism can be tricky because many people living with it don't necessarily feel the need to change.
Ridiculing you. Those who live with narcissism may find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same time. As a result, things may get heated in an argument. You may experience insults, put-downs, and even mocking behaviors, like laughing as you express hurt.
A fourth, less discussed, response to trauma is called fawning, or people-pleasing. The fawn response is a coping mechanism in which individuals develop people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict, pacify their abusers, and create a sense of safety.
Over-apologizing stems from a submissive state; when individuals use this tactic, they try to avoid confrontation or an escalating situation. This behavior may be especially prevalent in abuse victims who are no longer with their abuser but have not adequately healed from their past.
Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. This is a passive-aggressive apology done to silence the other person and move onto a different topic. It minimizes what the other person has experienced. Im sorry but But is a qualifier. If a person cannot say sorry without adding a but, then they are not sorry.
It can be construed as admitting fault, which can be used against you later in a personal injury case. According to the law, making an explicit apology can be interpreted as an admission of guilt, which means you might miss out on the compensation you deserve from the injuries and losses you sustained in the accident.
Chronic lying and deception is one of the most common types of passive-aggressive gaslighting, whereby the gaslighter creates a false narrative about or against the gaslightee that has little proof or validity.