Trauma bonds can linger, even when the abuse happened long ago. You might struggle to stop thinking about someone who hurt you and feel the urge to reach out or try again. Here's a test that might help, though it's not at all conclusive: Ask yourself whether you'd encourage a loved one to leave a similar relationship.
If you're stuck in a trauma bond, or you are struggling to move on after ending a trauma bond relationship, there are steps you can take to break free and find healing. You can unlearn the coping mechanisms you've developed to survive, learn new techniques, heal from the trauma, and break the bonds that hold you.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, on average, it takes a survivor seven times to successfully leave an abusive relationship for good.
Face Your Feelings
By acknowledging your feelings, you are showing that you recognize and care about the way the dynamics in your trauma bond impact your emotions and mood. Once you identify your feelings and accept them, you can begin to work towards moving forward for yourself.
Trauma bonds are hard to break because the cycle of abuse that causes them floods the victim's brain with dopamine, causing them to develop an addiction for the relationship and because abusers often victimize themselves to make the victim doubtful, guilty, and ashamed for attempting to break the trauma bond.
Do Narcissists Also Feel the Trauma Bond? Abusive narcissists likely do feel the bond too, but differently. It's so confusing for anyone in a relationship with a narcissist who's abusive to understand why they continue to hurt them, even when they say they love them.
And the fact is, a trauma bond will not transform into a healthy relationship, no matter how much the person being abused hopes so or tries to fix it. “It's often mistaken for love,” Wilform says. “But love doesn't consist of you having to be in a cycle of being mentally diminished or physically hurt.”
Signs of trauma bonding
They may also: agree with the abusive person's reasons for treating them badly. try to cover for the abusive person. argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors.
The cycle of being devalued and then rewarded over and over, works overtime to create a strong chemical and hormonal bond between a victim and his or her abuser. This is why victims of abuse often describe feeling more deeply bonded to their abuser than they do to people who actually consistently treat them well.
In my experience, it seems to take anywhere from a few weeks to about 18 months for most people to get over the trauma-bond addiction, but it can be longer than that for some people and far less for others – depending on the intensity and length of the relationship. In some cases, it never seems to go away completely.
Trauma bonding occurs as a result of reinforcement at the hands of the abuser. The manipulative person will alternate abuse with really positive experiences which leads to the development of a trauma bond.
Breaking a trauma bond comes with intense withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings for the toxic person, compulsive thoughts about what happened, and an anxious state that may make you feel like you are going backward, without abate.
Due to the toxic nature of a trauma bonded relationship, individuals suffering abuse will find it difficult to leave the relationship. Loved ones may have difficulty understanding why the person experiencing abuse does not just end the relationship. However, breaking free of a trauma bond often takes time and support.
Fear of being alone – Narcissists are skilled at destroying their partner's social circles and relationships with family members. The prospect of leaving may equate to a feeling of being truly alone; Fear of reprisals – The narcissist may have created a culture of fear and anxiety in their partner's life.
Childhood trauma, abuse, and domestic violence can create rifts in our ability to trust others, and often this translates into problems in future relationships. When two people who already have trauma histories get involved, it often turns into disastrous scenarios in which each person is triggered by the other.
A trauma bond feels like an addiction because the cycle of a trauma bonded relationship causes victims to crave the high points of the relationship. The manipulative nature of a trauma bond forces victims to lose control of themselves and remain in the relationship despite the negative impact it has on their health.
Empaths tend to fall for narcissists because they are people pleasers. They want to help others and make sure they are okay. This is precisely the type of attention that a narcissist may want and crave. This is part of the toxic relationship between an empath and narcissist.
Trauma Bonds Create Chemical Warfare in our Brains
Reuniting and the love-bombing that follows then floods our systems with dopamine. Dopamine and oxytocin together strengthen our bond even more and ease our fear and anxiety. We feel loved. We feel safe.
You might be suffering from a trauma bond if you exhibit the following behaviors: You know they are abusive and manipulative, but you can't seem to let go. You ruminate over the incidents of abuse, engage in self-blame, and the abuser becomes the sole arbiter of your self-esteem and self-worth.