High stress, relationship problems, exhaustion, and illness can all increase a person's feelings of neediness and/or needy behaviors. Some people tend to exhibit characteristics of neediness more than others, and in these people, the term might be used to describe their personality.
Different sources of anxiety can be at the root of clingy or needy behavior. Developing new coping skills, such as meditation or cognitive behavioral techniques, can reduce this behavior. In some cases, there may be a real relationship problem to address, such as an affair or undiscussed mental health condition.
Most people who are emotionally needy have an insecure (often anxious) attachment style. We used to think that our attachment style was predominantly due to our upbringing. Depending on how you were cared for as a baby determines your attachment style.
Being needy is often a sign of low self-esteem. When you are insecure, you quickly attach yourself to your partner. This often leads to moving too fast sexually and maybe even moving in together after only a couple of weeks.
Do you feel abandoned? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you? Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself — always looking outside 'self' for reassurance? Trusting that it's okay to feel insecure in one another, but also asking yourself why you don't trust the other person, is key.
If you love meeting new people, asking deep questions, and simply spending a lot of time with others, you may find you get attached more easily to others. Especially if you're in a romantic relationship with someone. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, provided you're a good judge of character.
Anxiety and constant worrying can leave you feeling needy and insecure, causing problems in your relationships.
While clingy tendencies may have been “ok” in your previous relationship, being overly needy is generally considered a toxic dating habit.
Neediness Is Built On Fear
At its core, the cause of neediness is, simply, fear. The fear of abandonment. The fear of uncertainty. The fear of loss or rejection.
To recap: ask for a time, appreciate, state the importance, tell the need in the most specific way possible, explain the outcome, ask what they need from you, and express gratitude for meeting the need.
Emophilia is defined by a tendency to fall in love quickly and often, which is associated with rapid romantic involvement. However, questions linger as to how it is different from anxious attachment, which also predicts rapid romantic involvement.
Love evokes fond feelings and actions toward the other person, particularly. Attachment is driven by how you feel about yourself with the degree of permanence and safety someone gives you, based on your past relationships. In other words, with love, your person is “the one” you have feelings for.
What are the signs of an unhealthy emotional attachment? There are several signs that your emotional attachment to someone might be less than healthy. These include feeling anxious or lonely when your partner or friends are busy, worrying they may leave you, and giving up your own plans to accommodate them.
As Verily contributor Amy Chan explains, if you frequently feel needy and insecure in relationships, you may have an anxious attachment style. “When anxious attachers sense that their romantic connection is threatened, their attachment system goes haywire," she shares.
Meeting our needs
So, to summarize, it's perfectly normal to have needs. They don't make you “needy” or weak or broken. Some needs we can meet ourselves. And some needs are relational by nature and we will need to ask someone else to help us meet them.
Often when we are needy, we are actually just craving connection. These are known as 'bids for attention' in the Gottman Therapy framework. And this can be a response to unprocessed childhood trauma, where our basic needs for love, approval, and affection have not been met.